Hello ladies! I don’t think I really have to introduce myself but I wasn’t sure where else to put this so here it is. I can’t believe it’s been 5 months since I logged in here. Luckily I was able to keep in touch with some of you on facebook but I’ve really missed everyone else. It was my own hang-ups that kept me away and the longer I put off coming back the harder it got. I just couldn’t figure out where I fit in anymore. Here I have this beautiful son so I know that there are those who would trade places with me in a millisecond. Yet on the other hand I had my insides cut out and even after all these months I am still really fragile about it. So many things that I might have been able to take in stride have been even more difficult to handle because of that. Like I finally gave up on pumping after 4 months of unsuccessful attempts at breastfeeding. I cried the other day when I threw out my nursing bras. I would have been upset no matter what but since this was my only chance to BF, it was even harder to deal with. I know I gave it my best shot from the first days in critical care when Mike had to help me hold the pumps to getting Kieran’s frenulum snipped since he was a bit tongue-tied. It was so hard for me to accept that it just wasn’t going to work.

I also have a hard time seeing preggos especially those with tots. I feel like I’m back in the days when I was first trying to get pregnant and everywhere I looked there were pregnant women – now everywhere I look there are pregnant women pushing strollers. I am dreading the day that one of my best friends announces that she’s pregnant again – it was bad enough when she got pregnant with her first the month after I had my chemical pregnancy.

Anyway, I'm not trying to turn this into a pity party - just trying to explain where I've been. I guess the truth of the matter is that I fit in everywhere and nowhere but I will try to come back because I want to keep up with what is happening with the friends that I have made. I’m sorry that I was gone so long and missed out on so much.

{big huge exuberant bear hug} I've missed you! I know you've been through hell and still have some greiving to get through. We're here for you!!!!!!!

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Oh Irene, it's so good to have you back. I've been checking on you on FB - you have quite the handsome little guy! I've also been worried about you with all that has happened. I had a feeling you'd be back when you were ready and I'm glad that you're at that point. Don't for one second feel that you can't let your feelings out here. You've been through so much.

{{HUG}}

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http://rchiprean.abmp.com/index.html

Irene--You have been through so much I cannot even imagine. We would love to hear all about Kieran in the baby chat when you are ready!

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Krissy

Irene, welcome back. I'm sorry it has been such a tough start; we have all these visions in our head of just how perfect everything will be once baby gets here, and it is SO easy for that vision to be quickly shattered as reality sets in. I get the mourning over letting go of bf'ing/pumping when you really want it. I had to do the same thing w/ Luke. Breastmilk was SO important to me, and letting go of the idea and possibility of giving it to him was practically going against everything I stood for as a mother. I felt such a deep sense of shame, anger, and resentment at the fact that I couldn't be the parent that I had envisioned. That, as well as other things that have shattered, or as least skewed my vision all still bother me, even this today.
I just have to keep in mind that the choices I have made, and the ones that have been made for me, don't make me any less of a parent. I'm still 100% MOM to my guys. Regardless of what the future holds, they will always know me and only me as MOM, and that will never be taken away.

I'm sorry it has been such a rollercoaster for you. I hope you decide that it is okay to get the good and bad feelings out when you need to; sometimes saying it aloud is the best thing we can do, because then we can get the reassurance that we all desperately need so often!

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There's an entire heaping handful of us who have felt out of place and had to figure out where we fit around here. I thank goodness that you have healed and recovered, and he is gorgeous. But the rest of what you're dealing with must feel quite lonely.

Feel your way along around here, you'll find what fits. We ALL understand the need to protect your own fragile psyche at times.

After the new generation settled into the IF thread, I knew it was time to move on. I have landed firmly in the Health Club thread. LOL! I made my OWN place.

I hope you are able to heal more, inside and out.

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Like Rhea said...We are all here for you...to listen to you and to lean on. We love you, as well as every other lady on here. We are like a big family. If you can't count on family then who can you count on? (((BIG HUGS)))

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Irene - I've been thinking of you. Glad to see you back. I'm sorry for all you've been through and I can't imagine how you feel. (((HUGS)))

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Irene, Hugz!!! Vent girlie! Its what we all do best And he is super adorable!!!

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Irene! I am so happy to see you here. I often feel the same way as if I dont know where I fit in. I consider myself infertile, although I am so fortunate to have my babies. It is a strange thing to figure out... but I guess the truth is that there are a lot of people here who care about you, so you dont have to fit under a label. So glad you are checking in! xoxo

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Irene I was so happy to see your post!! I think about you often! We are all here for you whenever you are ready Can't wait to see some new pics of your little guy!

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Thanks everyone for welcoming me back - it means alot to have your understanding and support! Like I said, I really want to check in here more often but there will be times when I need to step away. Anyways, I'm here now I have to update my signature I guess since it says that I'm 62w6d pregnant!

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Irene-it is SO good to have you back! I too have been trying to keep up with you on FB, but miss your regular posts here. I thought that you were probably struggling with everything that you went through and hoped that with time you would come back to us Hope to see you posting on the baby side too so we can hear about your handsome little guy.

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