I wanted to put this in the relationship thread, but it wouldn't let me post without signing in overthere, so please bear with me since I'm off topic here.

I am a regular poster here, but this topic is so embarrassing and sensitive, I wanted to get help without people knowing who I was. Again, sorry.

Since TTC, DH and I have lost all of the passion in our lives. I feel like a machine, and I know he does too. I get to the point where I just don't want to BD anymore.

Then this past week at work, a co-worker has started flirting with me. It was so exciting and it just sent chills down my spine. I found myself thinking things I know I shouldn't. For the first time in my many year realtionship I honestly think I could cheat. I feel so horrid. I love my Dh and there is nothing wrong in our marraige, I just want that spark this other guy is offering so bad.

I can tell you with 100% honesty that nothing happened with this guy. I wanted it and I know he did too (he flat told me), but I kept my head and walked away.

This has really turned my world upside down. I don't know what to do.
I'm not going to go after the co-worker, I know that my happy marraige is at stake, and one moment of passion just isn't worth it.

But it has made me wonder if I need to keep TTC. Should I stop? Should I tell DH? Should I think about counceling (alone or with DH)?

I think that what you are going through can be normal in any marriage especially when dealing with something as stressful and TTC. I would definately stop for a while and put focus back on your marriage. You may also want to seek counseling for yourself.
I wouldnt tell your DH because nothing happened and you will only hurt him by telling.

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This is just my opinion but here it goes. The feelings you are feeling are normal. This co-worker is pure fantasy and lets face it fantasy is much sexier than reality. In reality we have responsibilities, obligations, but we also have safety & security. The co-worker you can kinda fill in the gaps you don't know about him & make him fabulous! He's not trust me! First of all he is hitting on a married woman. This should be a huge red flag. You wouldn't ever be able to trust this guy if you were ever really with him. Don't be so hard on yourself & take those fantasies & use them on DH! It may be the spice your marriage needs. By the way when people told you marriage is hard work, this is part of it. So don't give up.

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I think your feelings are completley natural.

I do think (I am going to be honest here) that the conversation between you and the guy was inappropriate. SInce you are married you guys should never have even been talking about what you were feeling for each other. I am only saying this because that type of stuff is really dangerous. I'm just looking out for you

OK:

Sound like you need a TTC break to get back the romance.
DH and I have trouble keeping the spark because TTC is challenging for us so since we never know when he will "finish" it almost makes us not want to try.

Start "dating" DH again. shoot role play "attracted co-workers" so you get to live out your fantasy but it will be cool because it's with DH

Take Care and don't be embarassed around us.

Look at the stuff we tell each other

I told you guys that my DH doesn't ejaculate regularly...now what can be more intimate than that? LOL (just trying to lighten the mood)

Oh... definatley Don't tell DH!

I've been missing "sparks" too. I would love to get slammed up against a wall and passionately kissed. Or do it in the backseat. The whole task is getting kind of tedious and I often feel like I'm more of a b!t@hy roommate than a loving wife.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

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Thank heavens it's not just us! Yeah, I totally know about all passion being gone. We only BD now... and only when the calendar tells us too! It is frustrating and we talk about it, but neither of us feels motivated, it's all become a chore.
I have even mentioned to DH that maybe we should stop trying for now and try to focus more on us. He is very into ttc, though, so doesn't want to quit at this point, and I'm fine with that. I chalk it up to "our love life sucks for now, but that is one of the stresses of ttc... once we are done trying we can refocus our energies."

As for the deal with you and coworker, I really think you need to avoid any further interactions with this guy (even normal conversation). It is just going to mess with your head, otherwise. I have kind of had a similar issue... the only guy I've ever loved (besides DH) and I recently found each other online. It really messed with me inside; even though all communication was completely innocent, just friendly hellos and catchup-type stuff, it still managed to really confuse me. I started getting really depressed and upset with DH all the time. I would dream about the guy (confusing "whom do I love" type stuff) and then wake up feeling guilty. He and I were supposed to go out to lunch to catch up. I was nervous, and realized the nervousness had to do with thinking I might have feelings for him again. So I made the decision to completely cut ties, and I know it was the best choice I could have made. He is a really nice guy and I am saddened that I cannot continue to be friends with him, but I know for the sake of my relationship, I will not put myself in a situation that could ever possibly lead to me doubting my relationship with my DH.

I know how hard it is having our love lives destroyed by ttc. I know you are stressed and this guy is something new and different and exciting. I just really don't think that you should even mentally risk your relationship with something that really doesn't mean anything. And if this guy knows that you are married, I say shame on him for engaging in such flirtatious converstations with you. You are under a lot of stress... what is his excuse? (I realize he could be dealing with issues himself, but really, do you want to even deal with someone who threatens your relationship in any way? Stay away!!)

Still, I'm glad you posted this. It's good to know that we are not alone in this struggle.

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I myself was wanting to post something, but couldn't find the right words.

Sarah, you gave some REALLY good advise. Actually, you all gave some really good advise.

Stay away from this guy completely. Don't even subject yourself to the situation. I think you would regret it for the rest of your life.

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I just want to thank you for your thoughts. And for not suggesting I wear a scarlet letter. I really feel bad about the whole situation and I know I should have never gotten into it to begin with.

I talked to DH (leaving out the co-worker, at your advice) and discussed how tired I was of TTC. He told me he'd do what ever I wanted, so I think a break is coming soon for us.

Now the "cut all ties" will be difficult. Unfortunatley this guy is someone I must work closely with. I will try to keep things business related only and cut off conversations that go anywhere else. I do have to admit that even right now I heart skips a beat thinking of him. This is going to be hard for me to get over, but I know I have to.

And please don't think he's a bad person either. He and his wife are TTC also, and that's where we started connecting. It's very possible he's looking for that same spark I am.

Again, thanks for listening. I can always count on all of you to help when I have problems.

And Kia - thanks for taking it a little ligher.

Sarah - thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had a near-miss.

We're all here to help support one another when needed. Even if it means hearing something that you don't want to hear. I think for the most part, most of us try to give the "right" advise even if it isn't something you want to hear.

Okay, that was redundant and I'm not sure I got the point across. Did that make sense?

We're not going to tell you something just because you want to hear it.

Sometimes the right words of advise can be harsh, but I hope no one ever takes it in the wrong way. Luckily this time everyone seemed to say just the right words in a kind, supportive way.

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Leena said it perfectly, "Fantasy is much sexier than reality". The hard part is realizing that fantasy is just that, a fantasy, and one that cannot be played out in real life without reality's repercussion. Either way, I still feel that it's completely normal to feel like this and to even want to act on it, but not to actually go through with it. I think that when it gets to a point like this, something is trying to either test you or make you realize what you have now and what you want for the future. Either you can go ahead and ignore it or follow through with it and make a life/relationship changing decision. Because you never know whats to follow after making such a decision.

TTC can take a seriously high toll and if you feel like it isn't fun and exciting anymore.. Then just like everyone else, I also suggest a TTC break, and focus more on your relationship and get back what you feel like you have lost. Unfortunately, it will be hard to cut ties, as you've mentioned having to work with this guy a lot. But I suggest that when you start to get those urges again, call up your DH just to say you love him. And despite probably wanting to put this in the back of your head and wanting to keep it there forever, I'd probably try and communicate with your DH as to how your feeling. Not about the co-worker in particular but that you want to get back into your relationship and sex life. Cause I know if it were me, and if it were my DH feeling like this, I'd want him to tell me the truth.

But just like Sarah, I've also had an old flame tug on my heart a couple times. Even to the point where I've looked for him online to see how hes doing, but it's never gotten to the point where I'd want more. Sure, I've thought about him and when we were together if things were different where we would be, but my past with him made me realize just how great of a man that my DH is and how my former flame could never make me as happy as my DH does. Nor could that temptation ever be strong enough to make me want to damage or change my relationship. Even if it is for a simple fling. Just the thought of it makes me realize how big of a mistake it would be, cause I know the second that the passion is over, guilt would overcome me. And I'd never be able to live with the thought of knowing that if DH ever found out, I'd truly lose him along with his trust, respect, and love. Sure, those sparks feel great but absolutely no spark would be worth losing the man I love along with the man that I know I want to have my children with.

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RED ALERT!! RED ALERT!!!

I got to work today and found out I'm being sent on a trip with this guy! Three days!! Alone!!

Just when I thought I had a handle on this!

I think I'm going to die.

You better get sick really really quick!!!

That's not a good situation!

I'd be making up a reason that I couldn't go on the trip.

I agree, you must cut off ALL contact with this guy or your marriage will suffer. I'm also speaking from experience.

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I agree with Cassie. Even if you think you have a handle on the situation. I don't think it's right to be going on a business trip with a person of the opposite sex even if you didn't have feelings for him. It's just not right. I don't know what type of work you do, but you either need to talk to your boss and say "No Way!" or like Cassie said, get really, really sick before this trip. That is dangerous ground! Don't do it!!!

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I completely agree with Cassie and Regina.

If it's a absolute must that you have to go with this, have DH tag along, if not DH then someone else, anybody! Just don't go alone together.

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If your boss is understanding, talk to them & explain that this could ruin your marriage. Otherwise, you need to have an excuse ready. Even with good intentions, thinking you are going to be strong. This guy will say all the things you want to hear & you have some problems in your marriage right now. This will turn into an affair. BEWARE!!!!

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I agree with the others when I say that you should either try to get out of the trip by talking to your boss, or see who the other person going is and if they are trustworthy, like an office girlfriend, then let them in on what's going on and then you will have someone with you to be accountable to.

I know what you are going through. I don't know how long you and dh have been ttc, but dh and I were only ttc for 4 months, and it quickly got old. I love my dh more than anything in the world, and there are times I can just look at him and want to attack him , but there were also time during ttc that I would find myself thinking, "Man, do we have to, again?" It just got to be so much about the science of it instead of the attraction. I started thinking of his "manly areas" as a babymaking device instead of something for our pleasure. I also want to tell you that it doesn't get better after the ttc ends sometimes. Dh and I are happily expecting our miracle on Thanksgiving Day, but I'm still tempted just like you are. Now it is more out of the fact that I don't feel attractive to dh anymore, which he says is crazy, but when your body starts to change and nothing fits anymore and you're working around a belly every time you try to be intimate, it's hard to feel attractive. I've found myself attracted to one of dh's friends while ttc and now that we are pg. I even asked dh the other day if his friend had ever said anything about my being attractive. Dh just looked at me funny, then smiled. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I just needed to feel attractive to someone, anyone. The fact that you and this co-worker have discussed this does worry me though, once you start talking about something it makes it that much easier to actually go through with it. I hope you can get it resolved and let him know that although you feel like you want this at the moment, you have no desire to ruin your marriage. As far as things go with dh, we've been working on spicing things up a bit. Can we say, lingerie? Something we did last night was we were at Walmart and those little machines at the front have stuff like gum and toys in them, well we got one of those temporary tattoos. I let dh choose where he wanted to put it on me, and let's just say, we didn't use a sponge and water... tongues work fine. lol Also, if you're into that stuff, maybe some toys to surprise him with, or scarves to tie him to the bed, etc. I'm throwing out a lot of stuff, but mixing it up and being spontaneous is the key. I send dh sexy text messages on his cell phone while he's at work. Or maybe stuff a pair of your panties in his brief case or coat pocket. Dh and I went to a marriage siminar at our church (it's not threatening like counseling would be since there are lots of couples there) and it helped a lot during ttc! In fact, we got pg the next month! I hope some of this helps, if not I just did a great job of embarrassing myself! lol Sorry it was so long!

Okay, I was idle too long so it booted me. That last one was me. Sorry!

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