Now, it's hard to make me laugh, especially recently, but the first few lines are true...I was wiping tears out of my eyes I was laughing so hard.

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Cold Wax...

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud

... I had to re-apply my eye makeup after this one.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet."



So I headed to the site of my demise: The Bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you

just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel

them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a Genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So, I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward

body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the

ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across
the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo*
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the

strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay

conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to

normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's
no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake...

Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to
do something. So I put my foot down.

My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may

pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts

wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it

off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the

tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few

months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter -

"So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo - hoo?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing
feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued
shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky
wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going t o need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts..

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color... Now that's funny..

Notttttttttt!!!!

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LMAO!! That was funny!

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O
M
G

...

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I have read this before, but it's still HILARIOUS!!

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I needed a good laugh. So sounds like some problem I might have if I tried wax.

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OMG that's funny! And I thought I was bad waddling around the house looking for "oil" to take off the residue after using those strips. I finally settled on canola oil......then there's the process of getting the oil off!

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I actually use this type of disposable wax strips (Sally Hanson). I've tried SO many over the years, including the kind where you heat up the tub of hard wax in the mivrowave (OMG, ugh), but these are a snap. You just trim them to fit and rub them between your palms about six times to warm them, then pull the strips apart, apply, and *riiiiip*. They actually work really well. I use them mostly for my brows. Love them. Of course, I've never heated them with a hairdryer to 1000 degrees.

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