Okay, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this...so I'm going to talk about it here.

Have any of you ladies ever felt like you were losing the "connection" or "sparks" with you Dh?
Lately, I have felt really withdrawn from my Dh. I don't know why.
It just came on kinda suddenly. I'm actually starting to question if I am even still IN love with him anymore.
I mean, I know that I love him, but I don't know if I am still IN love with him.
We have been together for over 5yrs(since I was 17 and he was 19) and have been married for 4 1/2yrs.
We have the most beautiful girls together, but I really don't know if I want to be married anymore.
My girls are my world though. They are my heart and I don't want to be too hasty and end up hurting them.
Also, lately I have been having dreams about an Ex-boyfriend.
He is married though and I would never intrude on his marriage.
The thing I keep thinking about is how much more I felt like he(the EX) respected me.
I mean my Dh is better in the looks Dept, but sometimes I don't feel like I get the respect that I deserve from him.
He has a temper and sometimes acts without thinking.
He has never laid a hand on me, but sometimes I feel like if I pushed him far enough...he would.
He is a wonderful Daddy and I would never keep the girls away from him(unless he gave me a reason too...kwim?).

I'm soooo confused. I think what it boils down to, is that I got married too young.


I really need help. Any advice would be great.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on

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Chrystie, I know that we don't know each other, but being someone else who has married young, I can understand where you are coming from. I think that it is perfectly normal to be "tired" if you will of the same old everything. Day in and day out, just looking for a change. Unfortunally for you, it seems as though you may be confused about what kind of change exactly you need. I would def suggest thinking things thru before you do or say anything. Maybe try an overnight or weekend getaway with DH. Leave the girlies at home (well with a sitter)... and just see how things go. It may just be that you and he have spent too much time apart, and have in turn grew apart. Give yourself the chance to "fall" in love with him again. If thats not an option, or doesn't work, try talking to him. Let him know what it is that you need from him. Even if it's just a sweet comment here or there (not that you should have too, but remember that we all get set in our ways and sometimes forget to do the things that are most impt to us and the people we love). I hope that this helps. In the end, just know that you're def not alone. Many of us have married young, and at one time or another have wondered if the choices we have made were the right ones for our lives... Good luck with everything!!! We're always here for you!

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Counseling can also help you sort things out. Couples and individual. Have you talked about your concerns with your DH?

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I agree maybe you should talk with dh about your feelings. I got married very young also. We started dating at 15yrs./16 yrs old married at 20yrs/21 yrs. So I know what it is like to grow together as you both grow up. I agree with Laura that maybe counseling will help you to sort your feelings and concerns out. We are here for you. Lean on us as needed.{hugs}

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Chrystie ~ I don't have anything much helpful to say, but I wanted to tell you I think you're brave for putting how you are feeling out here and talking about it.

Also, I wouldn't over-analize things like dreams of an ex-boyfriend too much...there are reasons he's an ex, and he was very young then. If your DH has anger issues, that can certainly be enough to start little seeds of mistrust in you. I'm certainly no expert on happy endings...talk to me again in six months or a year, maybe I will be, but I'm certainly an expert on what can happen when things start to go wrong!

If you are ever in fear for yourself or the girls, obviously, get out immediately, and fix what you can from a distance. Other than that, be careful not to do anything hastily, or make any decisions because you are unsure. If you asked couples married 50 years what kept them together, I doubt many of them will tell you it was feeling 'in-love' every day for 50 years.

I've said something similar to my DH over the turmoil -- like "do you think I feel like I'm 'in-love' with you right now? Not by a long shot, but that's not what this whole marriage deal is about. I don't remember anything about so long as I feel in love with you every day in the vows..." 'In-love' comes and goes and comes back again...at least, that's what they say...(actually, there are chemical cycles that effect those types of feelings too).

Just...{{{hugs}}}...I'm sorry you are not feeling sure-footed. Talk all you want. You are a brave lady to bring this out.

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I think counseling is one option, but I also think you should try and figure out what is missing that makes you not feel "in love" anymore. In love doesn't have to be butterflies in your stomach, or passionate romance. Are you missing romantic words? Time spent with just your DH? Kind gestures?

I agree that doing something to reconnect, even if it's as simple as sending the kids somewhere for a night and having naked movie night, could be really helpful.

You could also make a conscientious effort to try and do things sweetly for him, let him know how much you appreciate him. I know it sucks to do that and not get the same treatment back, but I think sometimes it just takes some time for guys to get back into the mentality of being romantic.

Also remember that men do not respond well to emotional outbursts, so it's usually best to try and talk to them calmly and logically.

Loving someone takes serious effort. I agree about not making decisions hastily.

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Crystie~ {{{hugs}}} Wow, these gals have given you some EXCELLENT advice. You girls are awsome.

I'd just like to chime in and let you know that I have felt the same way from time to time. Sometimes I just feel like there is a big nothing between me and DH. I have to evaluate things sometimes and remind myself of all that will be lost should I act on these feelings. I'm blessed with a DH that I can tell "I feel like you've been distant lately" and he listens. Not all men can do that. But they all can get tunnel vision and not realize how you are feeling. My DH has a temper too. He has never laid a hand on me but has scared the s**t out of me a few times.

I have had a TON of dreams about my ex's so I agree with Steph not to read too much into that. I finally realized that those dreams were about missing that intense lusty passion that occurs early on in a relationship. And I finally realized that in all relationships, that fades. I was married at 22. I don't think it was too young, but some might.

I agree you should talk to him. But don't say "I think I've fallen out of love with you" Try to say things more like "we aren't as close as we used to be" or something like that.

You NEED to get away together-just the two of you. We don't have children, but just driving to a nearby town away from our house and buisness for a weekend really helps ignite a spark and remind you why you fell for each other in the first place.

Good luck to you. Counseling is certainly a good option, but try some simple things first. My father told me once that marriage is something you have to work at EVERY day. I now see he was right!

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Chrystie- I agree with the other girls, sometimes you just have an off week or few months but a lot of times it can just be a passing phase. Marriage is not ever easy but it is a lifetime commitment to another person and often that means sticking it out when you feel kinda fed up with the same ol' everyday routine. I have noticed when I get stressed out or if I am very tired that I get really panicky and often stress about my relationship with my DH. After a good rest I normally feel a lot better and I can analyze the situation and I come to find that there wasn't anything to get worked up over to begin with. I know that sometimes men DO NOT realize how much they can hurt us by forgetting a simple thank you or a quick, random kiss. I hope that you can work something out and I hope that you feel better soon. Never feel like you are alone because a majority of women feel that way at one point and time. Keep your chin up!!!!!!!!!!!! (((HUGS)))

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First of all, I want to say Thank you to all you ladies for giving me wonderful advice and really just listening. Like I said, I have no one else to talk to about these kinds of things. I talk to Dh's family more often than my friends and I can't exactly tell them these things.

The main component in all this is when I feel this way, I dredge(sp?) up thoughts of the past that aren't so good.

Okay, this part is going to be a little personal...so bear with me.

I lost my virginity to my Dh after we had been dating only like 3 months.
Well this all happened on a Saturday(I promise this is relevant)...then when I was talking to him the following day, he was acting kind of funny.
I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had something bad to tell me.
As a joke, I said "You cheated on me"........he said YES!
I just froze. When we first got together he was a virgin, and he lost his virginity when he cheated on me(the Wednesday before he and I were intimate)
I felt soooooo taken advantage of...kwim??
I cried like forever.....

Another bad memory is one day after he came home from work(this was AFTER the girls were born...they were really little though), he said that he saw this guy that he went to school with.
The guy told him that he was engaged to my Dh's first love.
I was like ok.....so what??
Then he pops up and tells me that HE doesn't know if he was still in love with me.
Again....I froze.

So, I know all this was a long time ago, but it still hurts really bad and it's what I tend to think about when I feel like this.

I came up with an idea, but I don't know if Dh would agree to it.
We are saving up money now to go one vacation with some of my family to Gulf Shores in July.

Maybe, we should just get a sitter and use that money for a "Couples" vacation.
What do ya'll think??

Also, I don't know if we are going to be able to go with them in July anyway, b/c I am starting back school on July 9th and we were leaving on July 12th.

Again, sorry for rambling. I love you guys...I don't know what I would do without all of you.

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Sounds like there are some unresolved issues. The money might be great for a couples weekend away and some much needed counseling. I am so sorry you having to deal with this. I know it is hard but if you are both willing to work on the relationship then good things can happen. I think a vacation might temporarily fix problems but it will not cure them.

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Chrystie - sorry you are having such a hard time. I know those memories hurt, but they are in the best and nothing you do or think or say a/b them will change them.
Have you ever read the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? I definatley recommend it. I think sometimes we don't realize that we're not putting in what we want to receive back from our husbands.

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Christy~ Hun, I know how hard all this is. and I really hope I don't come off sounding preachy, b/c I don't mean to be. You can't think back on those bad memories. I know they will always be there but you can't harp on them like that. Part of what makes marriages work is true forgiveness sometimes. Obviously, your DH did SOMETHING to make you trust him again after the cheating and was good enough to let you forgive that-or else you wouln't have married him, right?

Him having feelings when his old flame gets hitched is totally normal. I mean, you can't be mad at him for having the same feelings you are having, right? It was completely STUPID of him to tell you he felt that way, coinciding with her engagement. But if we held ever stupid thing they said against them, none of us would be married, right? LOL.

I think a vacation with the two of you is the best idea, if you can afford it. Look, counseling is great and all, I'm not against it at all. but I know from experience with my DH that he would rather know about the problems and try to fix them ourselves than be blindsided with therapy. JMO.

Hang in there, girl. I think what you are going through is more the rule than the exception. We get through these things. Just stay calm when you talk to DH. I hope ya'll can work things out.

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Chrystie - Here is something to think about. I do not really want to entertain ideas of splitting up but you need to think about what splitting up would really mean. You would have to live in two different households, which means moving and finding a new residence. You would have to see who (which the mother almost always gets it) gets full/joint custody of the girls, when visitation will be for your DH if that is the case. Legal fees for a divorce/custody. Not to mention the emotional trauma that your girls would go through and then the possibility that one day you both wake up and realize that you made a mistake. PLEASE do not misunderstand me. I am just wondering if you have thought of all the consequences. Boy, this sounds awful huh? What I mean is that you need to do everything possible to bring your marriage back to a happy place for ALL of you. I know things in the past hurt but living in the past will keep you from moving forward and making the future better for you, your husband, and your daughters. I agree that a vacation may not completely fix things but it could be a chance to get away and talk with your husband. It is like they say, where there is a will there is a way! We are always here if you need to talk to us.

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Again girls.... thank you soo much. You all are so wonderful, but on a good note.....................We made up. Or atleast I made up with my feelings...lol

I'm okay now. We had a GREAT night...if you kwim??

I just have emotional issues sometimes and I guarantee a therapist would say it is b/c I have issues with my father.

Love you all.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

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Christy~ That's great news. I'm glad things have worked out. I'm sure any therapist will tell any one of us we have "issues". I hate that phrase! We all have issues, it's what we do with our issues that matters! Good for you, and good luck in the future.

BTW~ my therapist says I have "abandonment issues" from my mother!

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Chrystie - so glad you are feeling better.

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