I know this may seem strange, but I want your opinions on this subject, because DH and I have different points of view, and I am curious what others think...

DH's uncle passed away yesterday. We're not positive when the funeral will be, but we're assuming it will be this weekend, when we have his kids. The funeral will be in Virginia, about 3-4 hours from where we live.

His kids are 6 & 8, and they did not know dh's uncle.

Would you take them to the funeral?

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Since they are so young, and did not know the man....I would say no. I mean, you only get a couple of weekends with them left in the summer anyways. I definately would still send your regrets and sympathy and maybe a food basket to the immediate family. That is just my opinion though! It would be different if they were really close (relationship) maybe. IDK

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Lauren~I agree with Kayla. If the kids didn't know him I wouldn't take them. Was your DH close to his uncle? If not I would just send my condolences with a card, flowers or a food basket & skip the long trip.

I have a slightly different view -- will it affect their lives? Will DH or other family members be saddened in a way the kids will witness? Sometimes, children quietly observing their beloved adults experiencing emotions helps them understand what is going on with the adult. If it going to be open casket, you might not want to take them up to visit, but there is usually (in my experience) a lot of love passed around at funerals, and I think it's important for children to understand their adult's feelings. The six year old, perhaps not, but the 8 year old I would think about taking.

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I have to agree with Tammi and Kayla. No need for them to go if they didn't know him. I'm not one to keep kids away from that type of stuff if they knew him or were close to him, but since they didn't know him, then no.

What are your feelings on it Lauren?

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I don't think the kids should go. DH really wants to go, and I told him I think it would be best for the kids to stay with me, and he can go and be with his family. I dont know why he feels strongly that they should go, but he does. We don't know when the funeral will be yet, so my hope is that it will be on Sunday afternoon (which the kids could not go anyway, since it is in VA and they have to be back at their mom's at 6:00 that evening) or Monday.

I am also not one to "shield" children from something like that, if they were close to someone, but I just dont see the need, since they didnt even know him.

Thanks for your ideas girls! I guess we'll just wait and see!

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Lauren~ Is DH wanting his family members to see the kids? If that's the case, I understand, but not at a funeral. Unfortunately it seems like that's the only time my side of the family gets together anymore

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I guess I am always middle of the road. If his kids have not seen his family in a while it might be a good time for them to see the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. That was the best part of my grandma's funeral we all got together in one room and got to catch up. Kayla and others have good points as well. I think some of it depends on how you both think the kids will do.

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I have a friend that took her 7 & 8 year olds to a close uncle's funeral after his sudden death...I'm not quite sure what she said to them (she is a bit of a drama queen) but the little girl was so freaked out that she had to see a councelor!! She thought her dad was going to die and a bunch of crazy stuff. I guess I would say seeing family is good but it depends on how you think the kids will handle the actual death and that concept. Like you said, hopefully it will be on Monday so you don't have to deal with it!!

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Dana

Lauren, my kids are close to that age, and I would say that it depends on the kid. Molly would be really effected by that so I would not take her if she didnt know the man. Morgan would do fine so if I wanted family to see her than I would take her. You and Doug need to just think about how each child would react and take it from there.

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I think about this type of thing with a unique background...when my goddaughter had just turned 6, she was diagnosed with leukemia. There was a whole gang of little girls around the same ages between me and my friends, and they were inseperable. They all learned, through her and her illness, about mortality early on. There were questions and tears, but my friends and I have talked about it since and decided that the experience will actually be fortunate for them...to experience and go through processing life, illness, emotions, and death in the safe, pure environment of childhood.

I'm thinking less about how the kids react in their own way to the man who passed, and more how they might be confused or scared by Doug's mourning stages if they don't have a greater understanding of what happened.

The single most incredible moment between myself and my godchild during her illness was when she and I were watching a charlie brown special about one of his friends getting leukemia, and she turned to me and watched a single tear roll down my cheek, processed my sadness and grief, and then placed her little hand on mine and turned back to finish watching the show. That single moment of truth gave her something special I to this day can't quite put my finger on. We are always so careful to shelter them from the world, but less than death itself, it's the way the people in their lives are reacting which might be the thing they need help understanding.

I really agree with Lisa -- you know your kids. Mine was 6 going on 30... Her little sister was 3 going on 3 months... They're all so different.

I would say, no matter what you choose, you aren't going to screw them up for life, so if it something so important to DH and his grief, perhaps you can take them, but only to the wake or gatherings that don't deal specifically with the casket, etc. They could go elsewhere with you during the 'heavy' times, like seeing an open casket.

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Maybe there could be a compromise. Maybe make the trip together, but don't take the kids to the actual funeral home. Maybe you and the kids could go sightseeing while DH is at the funeral. I know my family always gets together afterwards to visit and maybe the kids could be a part of that? Just a thought.

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Well, it turned out that the funeral was on Sunday (yesterday), when we had the children. DH called their mother and told them he wanted to bring them home Sunday morning so they wouldnt have to go, and she said NO, that she had plans and they would be "fine" to go. SO, they went with us.

It worked out fine. We talked to them about it before we got there, and thank goodness there was a closed casket. We went to the graveside and afterwards when dh was talking to his family I sat with the kids and answered a lot of questions. Sidney asked if he was in a basket... It took me a while to figure that out, but she meant casket... (gave me a little chuckle) We talked about headstones, and the kids were really interested in everything. If it had been up to me, we would not have taken them, but I guess it ended up being a good "teachable moment." They did get to see a lot of family that they never get to see, so that was good to.

Thanks so much for all of your replies and advice!

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Lauren~ I'm glad it alll worked out. It actually sounds like it was good that they went so that if and when they actually go to another one, they'll know more of what to expect and it won't be so shocking (except when the casket is open) I can't believe their mom! I know I say it all the time, but it really is a blessing that you are in those kids' lives!!!!!!!!!

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Sounds like it worked out well.

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I'm glad to hear how things went. I'm glad you were there to answer the questions.

And the basket-casket thing is worth a giggle.

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