So last night before DH goes to school we start talking about the next few weekends. This weekend he has a side painting job and next weekend too. So conversation goes like this:

Me: I called Lily today to confirm and she got the paint and stuff.
DH: Oh good, you are going to come with me and help right?
Me: well not sure, I’m going to test Saturday morning and if it’s positive then no I won’t go.
DH Test for what?
Me: To see if I’m pregnant.
DH: But you don’t get AF until next Friday.
Me: I know but sometimes you can find out early.
DH: Well you aren’t going to be pregnant so don’t worry about it.
Me: Uhhhhh. You don’t know that.
DH: Yeah I do.
Me: how?
DH: Cause I’m sterile Bets, I don’t think I can get you pregnant.
Me: Do you know that for a fact has a doctor told you that?
DH: No, I just know it. I feel it.
Me: (trying to not get pissed) Well we won’t know until we start going through the testing phase.
DH: It’s okay I love Jonathan like he’s my own son anyway.
Me: (trying really hard not to be more pissed) We haven’t been trying very long, I’m seeing the doctor next week and we’ll take it from there.
DH: okay, but I try not to get my hopes up, I feel like I disappoint you each month.

So I end conversation. DH goes to school…when we are settling in for the evening, I told him I never wanted him to say that again, that I needed him to think positive about everything that I can’t feel like I’m alone in this. All he said was okay and burrowed his head in my lap. Broke my heart.

How do your husband’s deal with the month in/month out ups and downs.



http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/12a710

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Oh Betsy, i totally understand you. Sometimes we think that TTC takes a toll on us, but Dhs feel it too, some more than others.
My Dh has a problem with his sperm count, and he is currently under treatment, and although he´s very positive taking his meds and saying thet we´ll be pregnant in no time, somedays, he gets down.
We have an agreement, never can both of us be down, if one feels sad, the the other has to be positive and cheer the other up. Frankly, it´s mostly me, by the time i get Af i´m always a mess.
I understand you, about wanting him to be positive, i would too, maybe you could do what we do, if one is down the other is there to pick you up.
I hope your dr gives you some good news, or a quick fix. Keep us posted.
On the other hand, you have us all here to vent as much as you like.

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Betsy - I totally understand. DH pulled that same kind of crap once only it was when he was supposed to take out the kitty litter and he asked why I couldn't do it even though he knew why. He complained about getting dust in his eyes and I said, "Well, I'm the one who could be carrying a fetus" and he said, "Oh, come on, you aren't". It really bothered me even though I, of course, didn't know for sure but still don't like taking out the litter just in case. But he's like that, he thinks what he says is funny when it really isn't.

He tries to be more sensitive now and really understands why some of the other DH's to the women of this board are happy we've found this place. Cause now he understands, we're crazy. :P

My way to deal now is not let him know that I'm testing, so just in case that its negative, no one knows anything except me. Not only that but he doesn't really get upset much, he just looks ahead and in his words, "Can wait another month."

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Betsabeth-awww that made me feel so bad for your DH. I think his saying that may be a defense mechanism to protect himself from feeling hurt if you aren't PG this month and is probably pretty normal. In their minds, we should get PG after just "one shot"

When I got my BFP, the first thing DH said (well, after congratulations) was a comment that he was happy to know everything on his end was "working" and I had NO CLUE he was even concerned about that. I think men's fertility is very much linked to their feelings of "being a real man" and all that stuff. For some reason I felt more protective of DH than of myself during TTC.

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So last night I come home at least pacified that I have a SA lab requisition.

DH is less than enthusiastic. It was not the response I was expecting. Before I went hormonal crazy on him, I went for a swim.

I come back, he knows I'm pissed. We talk. He apparently after filling my head with the fact that something is wrong with him for months is suprised that I am making him do this. .

I got up and went back to the pool. This time he came out to see me. He says "I didn't say I wasn't going to do it. It's just embarassing." I give him another evil eye.

He says "can't I do it here?" (that isn't an option cause we are too far from clinic) I give him another evil eye.

Then I go on my soapbox rant...go on and on and on...about the things women go through. And all he needs to do is do what he's been doing since he's been a teenager and hand it to the nice people in white coats.

he says if he's not turned on he's not going to produce very much. And I said after 4 days I'm sure you'll be fine.

Then like a little boy he asks "Are you going to go with me?" GEEZUS.
"Yes I will go with you. " Then he says "well I've always wanted to know, I guess I just never really expected to be in this situation."

I let out a big sigh...and for the first time in the evening I feel bad for him. Give him a kiss and say "yeah me neither."

~Betsy~

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Betsy~ I'm sorry for such a difficult situation... I can only imagine that it is hard. I am sure that DH certainly wants to do the "right thing" and help, but it must be uncomfortable for him as well. AND, I think so often the responsibility seems to fall on us, the women, and for a man to have to possibly take some of that responsibility, is something hard for him to face. From all that you have said, I know he loves you and wants to do everything he can, although it is difficult. Does that make any sense??

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Betsy I'm sorry you're having deal with all of this. It does get frustrating that men don't seem to understand everything women go through to try and get pregnant. Maybe I'm being presumptive, but I think it is probably even stronger in the latino culture that you do not rely on science to make things happen. I know that if I ever asked my DH to do an SA I would get laughed out of the house, at least initially. It would be a total slam to his manhood. Sometimes we women just have to be coy about how we get the things we want, so maybe try a different route with him? Instead of making it about him being sterile, make it about him proving that he's not so that you can go ahead and get your testing done?

I hope you get some answers.

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Besty - I'm sorry you have to go through this too! I haven't had to go through all of this yet but if it comes down to it I am so afraid of what DH might say! You are so right about the things we go through as a woman! My DH won't even go in for a physical! I'm glad for you that DH is willing to go through with the SA!! Best of luck!

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Dana

Emily - I think you are correct about the Latino culture. Even though it is a stereotype it's definately one I run into. My DH is the oldest of 7 brothers. Three of his brothers have 3 kids each. DH "says" that he wouldn't feel less of a "man" if he couldn't reproduce. But I'm sure saying it and actually coming face to face with it is entirely different. Hopefully it won't come to that. He's had 1 physical in his adulthood and that's cause I made him go when we became "serious".

Trust me if this is the worst we go through we are in good shape.

Would just love to know what really goes on in the male brain.



http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/12a710

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It's definitely a stereotype, but stereotypes come from somewhere! I've had a lot of conversations with my DH about TTC and he's really a "fatalist" in that he believes everyting in life is already written and nothing we do is going to affect our future. He's totally anti-medicine, anti-doctor, anti-science. He'd rather treat a cut with salt and lime than neosporin and a burn with corn oil, or an ear infection with smoke rather than antibiotics. Imagine trying to convince him to do ANYTHING for fertility's sake.

Though I did show him the beauty of ibuprofen and he takes it in secret before he goes to work when he thinks I'm sleeping

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Ladies, I don't know if this would help any of you, but...

I have wondered about my husband's being very fertile or not for a while since we have tried for so long to get pregnant, but because I did get pregnant and miscarry seven months ago, the doctor said he didn't want to do a S/A. My husband would have done one, knowing the ramifications from me if he didn't, but the good news is... we are doing IUI this month, and I talked with the doctor in private, and he said it is basically the same thing as an S/A because they take need the sample for insemination, and through the process "flush" the sperm to pick out the best ones. He said it is basically the same thing as an analysis because if his numbers are low or his swimmers aren't good, then they will be able to determine it at that time. So, I decided rather than push for an S/A we will do the IUI anyway, killing two birds with one stone (helping increase odds for myself and checking on my husband without making it be able what he may not have).

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I would be a loony tune if I waited till having to get an IUI before checking on DH's swimmers. Cause that meant I went months and months of who knows what while his swimmers just hung out. No pun intended. :P

I just started reading the book Crystal sent me and I it starts off with saying...let's begin the story back when i was sane.

I can totally relate to that!!!!



http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/12a710

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lol... I can too. My goodness, I don't even remember what "sane" is anymore

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