And here's one from her livejournal right after Christmas (first time I'd spoken to her since last summer)

"Back after a few days in San Antonio with the folks. It was really nice to hang out with them. My mom and I are getting along better and better as the years go by. The distance doesn't seem to hurt, either. Plus the fact that my sister's still not really speaking to either of us.

It was strange being shunned by my siblings. They're both still pissed. I don't quite know what to do with them; all my instincts are screaming for me to reach out to them. I'm their big sister. That's what I've always done. But I think the right thing to do is just let things be for a while. I honestly don't think I'm in the wrong, objectively, with my actions towards either. So I'm not quite ready to be the bigger person and take the first step."

Did you see that line I bolded? WTF is wrong with her? How could she take my misery and even joke (or not -- that wasn't a joke) about how it's benefitting her? GOD she's so self-centered. She thinks she's been this 'big-sister'. She's been gone from San Antonio for good for like, ten years. When she had her nervous breakdown and left Boston University her junior year, she moved in WITH ME, in my apartment, when I was 18. Big sister? Yeah, okay. Sister, fine. But glorifying herself as this older sibling who takes care of the youngers...please. And it pisses me off. By the way, how the **** would she know if she was in the wrong or not -- it's the thing I couldn't get through her head last summer; she had NO CLUE what I was dealing with or feeling, and I didn't have to tell her, couldn't get through her head that some things are private between husband and wife, and didn't want to talk about it, and yet she still thinks she has information in oder to take actions and then make judgements? The ONE thing I said to her last summer was that she had NO CLUE (throught my massive hysteria) what I was dealing with and feeling. But she just can't accept that sometimes, when you don't know what you're talking about, what you need to do is shut up.

I'm really hurt and really sad. But I don't think I'm going to raid the candy aisle at CVS. So that's good.

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And thank you Vicki.

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Steph~ BIG HUGS! I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, I had no idea. You are always such a comfort in your words to other people, I wish I had something great to say to comfort you right now. Just know that we are here for you to vent away to.
On a brighter note, I am happy to see you will be ttc again.

Hi everyone!

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Oh...Amber...I just...love you.

How's the exercise going on you physically? Feeling okay?

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I have yet to get off my butt to do any exercising . Still doing my evening walks with Caleb, that's about it so far. Oh and cleaning the house, that counts right? It's funny I was all excited to start working out & now I could care less. I think I need more sleep

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Uuuuh, YES, an evening walk less than 5wks c/s PP CERTAINLY counts as exercise, silly girl. And cleaning house counts in my book. I probably take more steps hanging up laundry than I do all day at work.

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Well, I broke and had the junk. A Reeces fastbreak (I really wanted the peanut butter for some reason -- the salt maybe?), and half a bag of Doritoes. BUT I didn’t get a soda. AND I didn’t smoke a cigarette on the way to the store. I decided it’s time to get serious with the quitting, I even have a ticker. I’ve limited myself to half a pack a day for right now, down from a pack a day (it’s more specific than that, but y’all don’t care THAT much about the details ). So, here we go. Did I mention that I have a ticker? THAT means you're serious.

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Nathan and I have been eating oatmeal for the past week. I just do quick oats kind. Some bananas and a bit of brown sugar on top. Yummy. Yogurt and granola/fruit is good too, usually I have that for a snack mid afternoon. I too put our homemade waffles and pancakes from the weekend in the freezer. Costco and trader joes has a whole grain kind that is pretty good.

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steph-I see that ticker. you must be serious. good luck! I have never smoked, but I'm sure that the gradual decrease will be very helpful in the process. good luck, you can definitly to this too.

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Vicki ~ I have quit once before -- some people need to go cold turkey or use patches, you are right, I need to gradually step down. It's a physical habit as well as a chemical one. I smoked for about 4-5 years and quit when I was 21, and didn't smoke for 6 years. Then, during a time under massive duress in my life, I picked it back up again, but not very heavily, wound it back down after about a year and a half to maybe one a day, then came back from Alaska and a week later, DH called me up. And, well, drama ensued. He smokes pretty much, and I've messed around with quitting over the past few years, during the times I was pg, was winding down again last January, and then again this January, and then my life drama would slap me in the head and -- I just didn't care to put in the effort to quit.

SO, I've really only completely quit once before; other times, I've been working on it and decided to uh, quit quitting? LOL! I know when I quit, I quit. I don't smoke socially or stuff like that, or have one here or there, or have constant battles with it. It took about a year for all the cravings to go away the first time, and they'd come mostly when I was out partying. Since I don't do that so much that won't be an issue.

It's too expensive, and I'm just getting tired of it anyway. I've already switched to lights a few months ago. Now I'll start cutting it out during certain activities, like driving and stuff like that when it's very habitual, then REALLY wind it down in a few weeks, like one in the morning, one during the day, one in the evening, one before bed. Then at the very end, I'll have it down to probably one in the morning and one at night -- that part is sketchy. Not sure if I'll move to one only at night...I've changed my morning routine a LOT -- like I have one now. Never did before. SO, anyway, yeah, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of spending the cash. I'm tired of DH smoking too (he keeps saying he wants to quit by his birthday, and if I quit, that will give incentive for him to smoke outside, not smoke in the car, etc, and help him start to wind down.

Apparently, this is going to be another chapter in the book. LMAO! Boy, I really can get going, eh?

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Just wanted to check in and say I didnt give up already. School is out tomorrow and my IL are coming tomorow and to top it all off, I threw up this morniing. I think it must be something I ate. Long day anyway. Would love to catch up but I am going to be a weeny and off to bed at 8:30. Hope everyone is doing well

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Steph - yes 10 cigs are better than 20!!! 1/2 a pack is much better. I first read and thought you said to cut down to 1 pack a day...that would be my parents. I was never a smoker so I don't know how hard it is, but I am a EATER and I see how hard that is to just not have those things you want so I'm sure it's in a way comparable. Food is an addiction for many. Good Luck!!!

So I ate good today, my cheat was some teddy grahams. LOL! Trust me if we HAD snacks in the house, I would eat something right now!!

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Okay...so I lost 1 more pound but WHY can't I break into the 160s!!!!!!!! I would do a back flip if I could just break into the 160s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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OMG Kayla I love your avatar!!! Ha, ha! I want cookies too, but I have like NO junk food here.

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Cassie - Yeah...my cow is just a nice little reminder!

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I maintained this week. But it could have been worse I have to tell myself.

Oh gosh this fissure tare is KILLING me this week. I am about to call that doctor and say DO SOMETHING!!! Stupid creams and stool softeners are not working!!! You would think I would just have the runs by now but nope, can't hardly get anything to go out. Maybe i should just try one of those colon cleanse things. Uggh.

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