We are all here for you.

*hugs*

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Kia - thank you for telling us your story.

Babybemine - I am so sorry for your pain. Prayers, hugs, and dust when you are ready.

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~Meagan
Mama to 3
DS Rolando - 12
DD Soleil - 7
DS Joaquin - 10 months

Thankyou to you all that have been brave enough to share your experiences of m/c.It has given me the courage to do the same.I haven't really shared my experience with anyone except my dh and he can't ever understand how it made me feel.

This is my story.

In Jan last year after only 3 mths of ttc I got a bfp.I was so happy that I told everyone straight away.I went to the docs and was given my due date which was Sept 10.I became worried from that moment as 13 years previously I had a m/c and my due date was also Sept 10.Dh told me not to worry and that every thing would be fine.
But 1 week after getting bfp I got extreme cramping pains on my left side.It was so bad that I could barely stand.Dh called the emergency docs and they sent me to the hospital where lo and behold the pain stopped but when I went to the toilet and wiped I found a steak of brownish discharge.I burst into tears and went and told dh and the doc.I was sent up to gyn/ward and kept in over night as they couldn't give me an u/s until the nexy morning.The pain and bleeding stopped and I was hopeful that it was just a "scare".
I was given an internal u/s the next morning but they couldn't find a heartbeat.The docs said that at 6mm long they would expect to see one and as my baby was 6.5mm long it didn't look good.I couldn't believe that he was making this assumption on 0.5mm.
I was sent home and was given an u/s appointment for the next week.
I had no pain for the next 24 hours and only a tiny bit of spotting so I was still hopeful.
But the next day the pains returned with heavy bleeding and I knew it was over.
I went to the u/s the following week knowing that there would be nothing there but I needed to make sure.In the back of my mind I still hoped that my baby had survived but sadly it hadn't.
I was totally devestated and although my dh tried to be suppotive he couldn't understand how empty I was feeling.
I still get upset now and then but I like to believe that it happened for a reason.
We started ttc again in jan this year but I'm terrified that it may happen again.

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Hugs Kerrie. Big hugs and lots of prayers. It is hard, because I know that my DH tries to be very supportive, but he only understands to a point. It is a unique experience that one can't truly understand until they actually go through it. Thanks for sharing.

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~Meagan
Mama to 3
DS Rolando - 12
DD Soleil - 7
DS Joaquin - 10 months

Kia, I had never heard of such a thing. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you must be a very strong woman.

Kerrie and babybemine, thank you for sharing your experiences. As always, I feel humbled by your losses and grief. I hope that you will both, in time, find peace and strength.

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DH and I ended up in a really important, healing conversation yesterday. It all began because I was like 'I shaved my legs' (insert eyebrow wiggle here). I was shiny and lotioned and sweet smelling, and trying to make myself feel normal again, you know? Turned out he was having trouble straightening his head out about it all - he's been feeling really responsible, he talked about being partly responsible for something that ended up practically destroying me from the inside out last year, and how hard it was to witness. We talked about a lot of old stuff from our first m/c, and the ensuing destruction. He made a reference to his experience 21 years ago (he and first wife m/c their first baby), and I had a blinding flash - a BIG epiphany. I started to cry. As he prompted me to explain, I reminded him what he said to me last week, about having never finished healing from last year, and perhaps God in his infinite wisdom knew that, and this was the catalyst to continue healing. I said that maybe one of the things this was meant to do was close the space between us, and heal us, and make us who we are intented to be for our children, whenever the rest of them come along. You see, whenever he has brought up loosing his first baby years ago, I have been jealous and angry, while still attempting to be sympathetic. I couldn't understand why he wasn't feeling some of the things I was feeling last year. I felt kind of cheated. I didn't know then that some of that pain you only feel once. You heart will never again be unbroken. You can heal, but it will always have been broken. It doesn't lessen the loss of any other babies, it doesn't make them less missed, or less important, but that first time is what changes who you are. I've been struggling with this over the past week+, trying to figure out how things are different this time for me and what is the same, why I don't feel the same things, and why I feel some new things. I didn't understand that his sadness about that first baby has nothing to do with the ex. It's not something you share with someone. You share the experience, and you can share some of the healing, but that soul-wrenching pain is your very own.

I told him I was sorry he lost his first baby, and really, really meant it, understanding better now what it all means. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Then I told him I was sorry he had to watch me loose my first baby.

We decided to name our lost babies. We haven't done it yet, but I think it feels like a good thing to do. I think just a first name.

I'm not sure if I've gotten the point home about this; it was a HUGE impactful realization for us. I hope so. I hope healing comes however it can for each of you.

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I found out I was pregnant Saturday night 03/25/06 @around 11pm. I had one pt left & I couldn't wait to test any longer so I did-the line was so faint I could barely see it, but I knew what it meant. I was pregnant-yippee!! I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I retested the very next day & there was no mistaken it. I had finally gotten my BFP. I told my husband, best friend, my mom & my dh told a couple of his friends. He wanted to tell everyone, but i said no it's too early. Let's just enjoy it. The next 3 days were absolute bliss for me. My boobs were sore & I was tired everyday, but I knew I had my little one with me & it made my symptoms so very much worth it.
Day 3 Wed- I started spotting late in the afternoon, very light brown & just when I wiped. I had a bowel movement also, & it was a bit worse after that but still very very light. I really started to panic, jump on line & looked up everything I could find on the subject. I started to relax a bit afterwards as I had found there were other ladies out there who spotted & went on to have a health pregnancy. I went to sleep that night with a little peace of mind.
Day4 Thur- Spotting had stopped but started again late in the afternoon. Again only when I wiped. I started wearing a panyliner just in case. Anxiety kicked up again, but I just reminded myself that everything would be OK.
Day5 Fri- Spotting had once again started in the late afternoon. I called my dr & had my appt moved from next Thurs to Mon as I needed some confirmation that I was OK.
The rest of the day Friday & Saturday went great. I laid down Sat afternoon to take a nap, woke up an hour later, went to the bathroom & when I wiped, to my horror there was alot of bright red blood on the tp. None on my undies, but I knew if there was that much on tp, there would be more to come. I put on a pad & stood in the bathroom & just cried. I thought maybe I had alrighty lost the baby. I thought it was already over.
I told dh (who has been so great & supportive thru all this), we went to the ER(they were extremely nice also). I only waited 30 min before I was seen by a dr who did a pelvic exam. He told me my cervix was still closed, felt no swelling(checking for ectopic) & if my hcg #'s were high enough they would do a transvaginal u/s to see baby. He wanted to at least see 1200 & my levels came back @2200 so know we waited on the radiology dept to get ready. In the meantime, they told me I would need a cathedar(sp?) that is capped so that my bladder would be full. They said would be better to see baby with. I didn't care-I would do anything & everything they wanted me to do. Went up to radiology, tech was real nice but very evasive. We did u/s & she sent me on my way. Went back to my room & waited for the dr to come. He told me they couldnt see baby, they should have with my hcg so high & that I should go home, rest & expect a miscarriage. That was that. I was so upset I cried myself to sleep that night.
I continued to bleed heavily til Monday morning & it stopped. I went to my dr appt & he confirmed my cervix was still closed & sent me for more hcg testing. My #'s were going up & there was still a chance! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He told me to got home & rest. No work, chores, shopping-nothing. Just rest. And I did just that. Bleeding started up again Monday evening along with some cramping. It was gone Tues morn & thru late Tues but started again. By Wed I was just spotting & that was it. My boobs were still sore & I still felt tired all the time, but I could tell those symptoms were going away. I was hanging on though. By this time dr had called to tell my my hcg dropped quite a bit & a miscarriage was inevitable. I once again was heartbroken, but a little piece still hung up hoping for a miracle. We went ahead & told everyone who knew I had miscarried but I still didn't believe it. I didn't even have to wear a pantyliner after Wed...i just felt that that couldn't be it.
Late Sunday evening, I started to get crampy all of the sudden. I took a couple of advil & continued just laying on the couch, just feeling the cramps. I think I knew what was coming. I could feel something pass out of my body & i immediatley ran to the bathroom. The bleeding had started once again & now I started passing big clot looking things. I had never seen anything like this & it scared me for a minute. But I gathered myself, took 2 more advil & just went to bed. I now knew it was happening. I woke up today & same thing. As soon as I stoop up & could feel something, went to bathroom & just started passing more stuff. I called my Dr. & he still wants me to do the u/s today if the cramping didn't get too bad. I'm still kinda scared b/c like I said I've never seen anything like what's happening, but I explained it all to my dr & he didn't seem too concerned so I guess this is normal. I just hope everything continues to pass on its own as the dr brough up d&c again & I really don't want to have that done.
It's kind of strange, but I feel more peaceful now. I know have that defining moment of when the miscarriage actually happend. Before Sunday, I was just like no way, this can't be it. Over just like it was never here & the worst part was still feeling a little pregnant. But now I know & I do strangely feel so much better emotionally. I'm crying as i'm typing this, but as some many of you said, this is better than therapy. I really am just ready to move past this & move on. I know I'll be a little intimadated to start ttc again after the dr gives us the green light, but i know i'll be ready. God never gives us more than we can handle & I take some peace in that.

Stephanie - My dh and I had a similar conversation this past week, too. I think it really has helped us both to heal. There were a lot of feelings and emotions that neither of us had expressed to each other. I guess I wasn't seeing his pain and heartache because I was too wrapped up in what I was feeling. I believe that this 'break' that I am taking is just what we needed. We have had the most wonderful weekend together (I'm still on Saturday - not going back to work till Wednesday) and I think that this has brought us closer and to a new level in our relationship. I am finally feeling some peace and have been able to breathe a little more easily.

Meagan - Thank you for starting this thread. It was something that I had thought about, but was too afraid to do.

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http://rchiprean.abmp.com/index.html

Thank you for share that with us. I pray for your healing and for all the mommies of angel babies.

My first= Katelyn Rae
My second= Jayson Scott

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Stephanie - oh my gosh, your insight just hit home with me. I am so comforted that you found (or are at least exploring) your lesson in all this. I am trying to find mine too.

Topaz - my heart goes out to you. Your story made me cry too. I am so thankful you shared. I am also glad that you feel peace. Hugs.

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~Meagan
Mama to 3
DS Rolando - 12
DD Soleil - 7
DS Joaquin - 10 months

Melissa - It is so nice to see that you named your babies. I named my angel Kai.

Rebecca - I am glad we all started this thread. I am overwhelmed and grateful for the impact it is having. I am using it as a security blanket with my current situation as another m/c looms near as a possibility. It really is healing to share our stories, to continue to process them, and to read what other's share.

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~Meagan
Mama to 3
DS Rolando - 12
DD Soleil - 7
DS Joaquin - 10 months

this thread is amazing...My heart aches for each of you...finding this site has been such a blessing. I am truly holding you up in prayer. Yesterday was the first day that I have been back to church since my miscarriage. I was out one week so I could go out of town to share my good news with my family, and the next week I was home because of the m/c. It was hard going back and facing my friends. I knew they wouldnt know what to say to me, I knew I would start crying again, and I am so tired of tears and heartache. What I did not know, was the incredible amount of healing that would take place. I also work in the nursery on Sundays, i thought being surrounded with all those precious babies would make things harder, when in fact, I just realized that much more how precious life is. My friend Nancy took my hand during worship service and walked me to the front of the church to pray over me. She reminded me that God wants to carry this burden for me, and that I could give my grief and heartache to Him. Today there is peace in my heart. I am still sad, but I know I am not carrying the burden alone. I am praying for you all. Not only for your losses, but for the desires of your heart to be answered.

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I am comforted as well, Meagan.

I'm extremely greatful for this thread.

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Babybemine~

I can't imagine you having to go through this 4 times. My heart breaks for you and your dh (and everyone else on this thread). One thing that I think of is... If God will lead you to it, He will lead you through it. I'm glad you and your dh have given your lives to God.

I wish I could have been at church with you to pray over you as well. I'm so glad you made it back to church. Also, I thank you for praying for us and for God to answer our prayers for the desires of our hearts. I know that God will answer the desires of my heart in His time, not mine.

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Wow, I'm sitting here in tears, reading all your posts. It's all so emotional. I just wanted to share my experience with you.

DH and I had been ttc for about 5 months early in 2004, nothing happened and we decided to put the whole thing on hold for a while and go to New Zealand and Australia for 4 months. Work was stressful for us both and we needed a break! So we both took some unpaid leave and went off on our adventure, that was in Feb 05. We had decided to start trying again towards the end of our trip, hoping we may come home with some great news! Anyway, I found out I was pg in April, we were really happy, the perfect end to our trip. We had been staying with one of my sisters in Oz and we had told her the news too. Anyway, we had known for 2 weeks and I started to notice some brown discharge, this went on for 5 days, then seemed to stop. We were in Adelaide at the time and decided to go and see a doctor if it got worse, but seeing as we were abroad it wasn't so easy. The next morning I woke up, it was mothers day! I had heavy bleeding and cramps that took over my whole body. James rang for an ambulance, I knew that was it. I went to hospital, they examined me and although were trying to be hopeful I knew it was over. My HCG levels confirmed the worst. A week later we flew back home to the uk, we should have had such great news to tell, but instead we were left empty..... It is only since January 06 that I have begun to feel myself again. My EDD would have been 26th December and I think I needed to get past that date so I could move on. I have also told a few more people about our experience and that has helped. In fact I've just got my BFP and I'm convinced it's because I have completed the grieving process now. My first pregnancy will never be forgotten, but DH and I have become stronger through our pain and it makes this time around even more precious.

Becs

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Thank you for sharing your story with us Bexter. Hugs.

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~Meagan
Mama to 3
DS Rolando - 12
DD Soleil - 7
DS Joaquin - 10 months