Missy- My RE (and Rac-LOL) told me 20 is the magic number for progesterone. Fingers crossed for you!

Betsy- Whoa. Crazy. That's an amazing story.

Betsy - Wow - that story gave me goosebumps!

Melissa - Gerard Butler was on Leno last night, I normally don't stay up that late but when I saw that he was on! He's so darn cute and that accent....

Becky - Sorry about AF. I hope the second IUI does it!

JJ - I still can't believe NKOTB are back! Good deal on your friend working at the arena!

Jen - My HSG was painful too, I was told to take 2-3 Advil Gelcaps. The only good thing is that it's over pretty quick. I hope your HSG goes well.

Rebecca - That barn party sounded fun! Yeah for a day off!

Irene - HI!

I called the RE's office yesterday, he is out until next Monday. After I told the nurse why I was calling, she said she would be more than happy to call him, read him my chart and see what he says. I told her it's fine to wait until next week. I would rather him be looking at my chart in person. I'm anxious and a little nervous to see what he says!

__________________

JJ - Interesting. I wonder if most RE are like that? I'm so scared to go, because I don't know what I would do with another bill to pay!

Betsy - Question is, how do you take a break? Stop temping, just live life and relax? Even though after AF I'd be counting down the days for O time?

Which reminds me talking about more bills DH thinks we need to hurry and get into a new house now! I'm not sure how he thinks we would actually sell our house?

On a positive note, I get to brib DH into BD again tonight. Good news is I won't have to wait until after the playoffs. LOL

__________________
[center]Mary

Well girls...low day for me. Went in for u/s and had a cyst on my right ovary. So no Clomid this month...we wait till next month and try again. More waiting, more wondering, more worrying. I can't help but think that maybe this is just not going to go our way...kwim? I'm so sick of walking around with a constant frown on my face and bitterness in my heart. The tech said something about having to have more b/w next time to check for communicable diseases or something? Have no idea why...and of course she didn't elaborate. But what if I have another cyst next month...and the month after that...will I continue to wait forever? Sorry, I'm rambling now. Thanks for listening girls.

Betsy- I agree. Wow...very interesting story. I love mental health days...I think I see one in my near future.

__________________

Mary- First of all you will never hear the R word from me. Only people who get pregnant or have their babies use the R word. I have never relaxed, I’ve drank, but never relaxed. =) I have always counted days, still do. I still count my cycle months. As far as how to take a break…well that depends on A LOT of things. For me my first break happened holiday season of ’06, we were saving money for our first IUI, so in that case I still temped but that was it, no pills, nothing medical, my husband was popping his pills. Our 2nd break happened summer of ’07 and we spent it in therapy, we were not even allowed to talk about it until a certain date, and then on that date we decided what we would do next. We were emotionally & spiritually burned out and our marriage was being affected. My Dh wanted his wife back. I wasn’t doing anything then, no temping, nothing. Our 3rd break was Holiday of ’07 and that was a break from medical treatments, plus I had just started a new job so we were TTC naturally, since I had been told so many times we had no chance of conceiving naturally. I had a chemical Thanksgiving week. Our 4th and final break was April ’08 and since then I have not charted, taken a vitamin, nothing. I only mark the 1st day of AF on my FF chart. I had a m/c in July.

Some people take a break by just focusing on them selves, they take 3 months and exercise, eat right, quit smoking, get mani/pedi, get your hair done, stuff like that. Self loving. Dealing with infertility can cause depression and can cause post traumatic stress. So it is important to take moments to just focus on yourself and remind yourself not only who you are but who you and your husband are. I am a strong believer a family of 2 is still a family and there are no guarantees that making it a family of 3 is instant happiness.

Some people take a break before venturing into any kind of ART. ART takes it out of you emotionally so it’s good to be in a positive mindset before going into it.

Some people take a break after an ART cycle or a miscarriage which gives you time to grieve the hopes and dreams of that loss. It also allows you to not be the patient anymore. In the group sessions that I’ve gone through that’s something they focus on a lot, that once you are in this world, you are the patient whether or not your infertility is diagnosed, something is wrong with you. And when you step out of it, it’s nice to feel “normal” again.

Just like a job gives you on average 2 weeks vacation, they give that to you so you can disconnect and come back recharged, taking a break for your TTC journey does the same thing.

Taking a break and you controlling when you do things also gives you a sense of “victory” over something you have no control over.

In the midst of this roller coaster, sometimes you need to stop and remember there was a life before infertility and thankfully for most of us there is life after infertility.

Rebecca – I think that kind of schedule is cool.

Mel – I don’t know why the damn bottle was hot, and I didn’t go back and touch it either, and I probably won’t drink it, probably poison.

Becky – That sucks about the cyst. But don’t get ahead of yourself. It will go away…

__________________

Betsy- your response to Mary was just what I needed to hear...I want you to know that your words of wisdom continue to comfort and guide me through this difficult journey. Thank you.

__________________

Good morning everyone, feel a little invisible.

__________________

Becky-

Lisa- How so? Can you elaborate? {hugs}

Betsy - Thank you! I guess really our next step is saving money for treatments. I just don't think that I can actually take a break. I need to know what is going on and until I've exhausted all possiblities I will always be thinking about it. In the last month, I have had to pull my bitter face out of my @ss and try to be positive, think of the bright side, and learn that any disappointment is hard, it's those who rise above it that our strong. I know I can be strong. I'm so sorry to hear about the m/c in July.

Hi Claire, I still miss you!!!!

Lisa - Overlooked? Sorry, how are you?

I'll be in production today, so this will be it until later today.

As for O, last night I was so O crampy, and cp was open, opk was strong, and then this morning it lowered and is firm? I was almost considering the monitor, but after reading over on the ttc side, $200, not in our budget.

Why is my O/fertile time so short? Bad eggs? LOL....

__________________
[center]Mary

Mary- *smack* stop with the "bad eggs"! Don't make me come over there..............

I never monitored my CP, so I can't really help you there- sorry.

Betsy - that was BEAUTIFUL. It really resonated with me.

Mary - I've been "on break" since about march/april of this year, though technically not trying/not preventing since my last miscarriage just over a year ago. I know that it seems like you'll never be able to forget your cycle days or not think about when your O date comes, but just as you once didn't think about it before TTC, it is possible to not think about it again. Not in exactly the same way because it's hard to totally let go, but I can honestly say that I don't think about temping anymore. It's a challenge for me to remember to temp even though for two years it was impossible for me to wake up without doing it. I have to have a physical reminder in front of me to remember to take my vitamins/aspirin/folic acid. I usually know more or less where I am in my cycle, but if I don't look at fertility friend, I would never know if I was on day 10 or day 15.

"Taking a break" may be difficult to do on a one or two month basis. It takes awhile to get it out of your system. I think on a short-term basis you can do things to get your mind off of it a little, and concentrate on yourself, but it will probably still be on your mind. In order for me to do it, I had to throw out EVERYTHING that related to TTC. And I had to give it more than one or two cycles.

I don't think of myself as having "given up", I just think of myself as allowing myself to live. When you are so wrapped up in TTC, you sometimes forget that there are other parts of life, other parts of marriage. Infertility is traumatic, and it has rocked me to my core, but I don't cry as much as I used to. I don't feel quite as hopeless or useless as I used to. It still hurts me to think about never giving birth, or never being a mom, but I'm trying to concentrate on all the other great things I have in my life. It helps to stop making plans around TTC and start making plans for your life with or without a baby. Don't put things off. Don't stop doing things in anticipation of being pregnant. Live. You were given this life to enjoy, and the months and years pass so quickly that if you don't do it now, you will look back and wonder where all the time went.

Sorry, I know that was rambling. It's still hard for me, but like any loss in your life, it gets easier. And you never know when something miraculous can happen.

__________________

Betsy & Emily - I swear the both of you have such a way with words. Your posts warm my heart.

Becky - Hugs. Sorry about the cyst. I hope it goes away fast and your back on track next month!

Mary - I had a dream about you last night! I was at your bachlorette party! Me, you and a bunch of my high school friends were at this nasty bar! You were so drunk you had your had on the table almost passed out! I have weird dreams all the time so don't think I'm a weirdo or anything

Lisa - Any side effects from the Clomid?

__________________

Karyn - About 6-7 years ago, that would of totally been me!

__________________
[center]Mary

Hello everyone,

I want to thank you for the positive feedback and support. You ladies are the best. I'm feeling better, and dh and I are getting down to business now that it is O time. I still haven't gotten a positive opk, unless I missed it. Yesterday and the day before, I tested with really diluted urine. Who knows. My cervix is open and there is a lot of ewcm, so we are not taking any chances... we want to make sure we are covered. Dh is actually learning more about my cycle, and it is actually refreshing for me. lol.

Last night after bd, dh told me not to get out of bed, and he went into the living room and turned the tv up so I could hear the debate from the bedroom. lol... I got a kick out of it.

Well, I think I'm going to make myself a drink (leaded), and watch Project Runway. Hope everyone is having a good night!

__________________

Geez...I just had a post halfway finished and I hit the stupid backspace key and lost it! Errg! I'm feeling a tiny bit better today. Hope everyone had a good Wednesday!

Claire- thanks.

Lisa- <<hugs>>...we're here if you wanna talk about it.

Emily- ditto what Karyn said. Thanks for sharing your experience. Intellectually I understand what you're saying...but sometimes it's so hard to get my heart to cooperate. The hardest part for me is being around people who have kids...which is like everybody I know...I'm so tired of putting on the brave and happy face when everyone starts talking about their kids. I have to be all interested and polite while inside I cringe. I wonder if that will ever get any easier?

Mary-I am totally with you on the bitter thing...I feel like I'm walking around with such a bad attitude on the inside.

Karyn- thanks. How's the weather where you are? Have you bought any pumpkins yet?

__________________

Betsy~I agree with the others. What you wrote was beautiful and so true. I never thought about it, but it's true that the ones who tell you to relax are the ones who never had problems or have never tried to get pregnant.

Emily~What you said was also very true and helpful. I can't get myself to be able to truly go on a "break". I've stopped temping, which took a lot of stress out of my life. I've also stopped caring about not drinking in the 2ww. But I still do opk's and keep track of cm. I think, for my own peace of mind, I need to do the two cycles of ivf and if that doesn't work, and we go on to adoption, then I will totally stop trying-won't prevent, but won't try either. But I need those two cycles of ivf so that I won't have the "what ifs" later on.

I do have to say, though, it's nice knowing when I o'd and knowing exactly when AF is coming. I hate surprises. Especially when I'm not home. ANd knowing when I o takes out the surprise factor there For that alone, I might keep track in the future.

It's nice to have a place to go to where people understand what each other is going through. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one to have these feelings and that I'm not weird or losing it, which I think is what a lot of people irl think about me at times. What I'm trying to say is thank you to all of you

Becky~I agree. I work at a place where a lot of people recently had babies. So I hear all about it. All the time. And one person announced at the beginning of the year that she's trying. I swear, everyday I wonder if she is yet. I'm trying to brace myself for the day I hear the news. But there are also a lot of people there who had IF too. So that helps to know I'm not alone.

Lisa~Didn't you have a cold awhile back? I must have caught it from you...I've been sick for the last two days. LOL How is the clomid going?

Mary~Both of my REs have been cautious of the money I'm spending. I think they know when you don't have insurance, it can be hard. It is nice. At first I thought the first one was like that because she was hired through a big university-hospital system and she's not trying to "make a buck" off of me, but then I realized that my second one is the one who owns the clinic and he doesn't do that either. I'm amazed though at how expensive everything is.

Karyn~I was lol about your dream

OK, I'm going to go and drag my poor sick body to bed.

__________________