Deanna- Get a FRER. They are the most reliable I think. Good luck.

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Deanna - your temp going up is a GREAT sign and yes, I had a negative hpt before my positive. I never cared for the ic tests, either. Like Christie said...get a FRER.

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Deanna, just waiting to see if you have tested again yet or you are waiting until morning?

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Deanna - Good luck w/ your test. I suggest either frer or answer and I have had previous bfps not show until I was almost 18dpo

Steph - Big hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.....its time to pull in and take care of you and protect yourself.

Em - glad you have Juan back

Betsy - Glad you gave everyone a piece of your mind and received results

Lauren - Hi

Rac - Your grades are always incredible! Wish I had been that great of a student

I check in on all of you a couple times a week, I just don't post as often as I use to

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Thanks girls! I've read about the FRER's but i'm not sure where to buy them at? I don't think i've ever seen them in stores before. I thought about picking up a First Response and doing that Monday if no AF or spotting. Monday will be CD31, so i'd assume if she's coming she'd be here by then!

It is still snowing here!! DH and I got our new couch this morning though. So excited! I'll take a pic of it and post later. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

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ahh, that stands for First Response Early Result...duh! I just looked it up LOL.

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Thanks for the support y'all. I know it's difficult to know 'what to say', hell, I don't know what to say to me.

Karyn ~ You asked about how long it's been...well, that's a very long and complicated story, but I'll try to give an abridged version, but there's no way to really shorten it; I'll give it a shot. Danny and I met when I was barely 18, January of 1995, practically fresh out of the wrapper, working at a nightclub where I was the doorgirl (collected cover charges, checked IDs, answered phone, booked parties, helped with security), and he did the valet service/outside security. He was 29. Fast friends. He was married for about ten years, and the kids were little, 4, 6, 7, and 8. I babysat sometimes. Friendship turned into an affair (my 'dirty little secret' -- some people around here know, but the cards are all on the table now). She was a habitual cheater, him, not so much. Just me. All of that is something I made peace with long ago. I never did anything to disrupt the family, and I never asked him to leave, etc. So, after two and a half years, sometimes together, sometimes apart, not working together since way back at the beginning, I broke it off. I had become so enveloped by it...I was 20 and a half then. She had left them and he let her come back, and that was the beginning of the end of it then. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live like that. When you are that sort of secret mistress, it paralizes the rest of your emotions and life. When you are young, you get into thing that you may recognize as wrong morally, but don't realize the potential ramifications. I didn't expect us to become part of each other like we did. And by the end, I knew he wasn't ready for a different life anyway. She really was nutso -- I had a front row seat to how indifferent she was to the kids, how she acted like a teenager. ANYWAY, we communicated off and on for a few more years and then lost touch. I had gotten out of the club scene by then, had a different life, was raising my god-daughters, became involved with an old ex-boyriend, went off to school. Fast forward about 5 or 6 years. We hadn't seen, heard from, or spoken, or even known where the other was for years. I had just come back from working in Alaska for the summer. I was a bit shy of 28. He was 39. He called my folk's house asking for me. I had just left the gym, and my dad called me on the mobile phone to pass along the message. I was excited to talk to him, but a bit apprehensive too. I figured it was a whim and nothing had changed. Turned out everything had changed. They'd been separated for almost a year, she'd filed for divorce, he just had to sign a waiver, etc. The kids were scattered, and for the most part, grown or very nearly so. This was October 14th, 2004.

We were fast, furious, hot and heavy from about an hour after that phone call. By Thanksgiving, we'd moved into an apartment. By March 2005, we had several of the kids/their friend living with us and I'd had the first m/c (on bcps). Money was tight. Found out that the ex-wife wasn't so 'ex' after all, b/c though he signed the waiver, we found out she'd never finished the divorce. Thrown for yet another loop. Major depression/psychosis for me ensued after the m/c. Employment was sketchy for both of us off and on. Money still a problem. The medication had been switched and was starting to make an appearance in his behavior, and the kids being there/being off of a sleep schedule was taking a toll in combination with the meds (prescription painkillers and muscle relaxors for three prolapsed disks in his back, heavy duty stuff, and sleeping pills). All kids and/or friends moved out late that summer. Fast forward to December 2005; we had a major car accident, days after moving into a new rented house. Messed us both up for several months, and really set a lot of what's happened in motion. Because of the nature of the injuries, it put a damper on our sex life, which before that was extrordinarily 'healthy'. One by one, the kids moved in, until we had the oldest and his girlfriend, the second oldest and her infant (whom I taught them all how to care for), the youngest (fine, she was only 16), all with one car and one real income (mine). Somewhere in the middle of that, we had the 2nd m/c. And all the testing and clomid began. Very often, the middle one and whatever boyfriend, plus several of friends would be over. Noise problems. My insomnia was out of control. His medication/sleep problems were 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, but often time, making little bits of progress. The divorce finally took place, by him this time. After three cancelled dates, our wedding finally took place that summer, August 13th, 2006. He started a new job that looked promising, even though it was back in the club business, and I had resisted him working at night anymore. The kids moved out except for the youngest, who had just gotten a job, and was no longer planted on the couch. Things were good for a handful of months. He got a second part time job. Money was okay until the PT job ended. Things were basically good.

Mid-November 2006, I began to spiral...it was the 1st anniversary of the 1st baby's EDD, and then December 1st was the EDD of the baby we'd just lost. The god-daughter I had had taken from me several years before and her mother called, which I was emotionally unprepared for. His medication and sleep situation got pretty bad. We had just moved out of the rent house and in with a friend for a few weeks until we found a new house -- we were trying to buy. Moved into the new house on Christmas Eve, 2006 (but didn't buy it, we'd worked out something with the owner for buying later). We loved the new house. For a few weeks, we and everyone who walked in were overwhelmed by the good feelings. I finally, FINALLY fought and clawed my way out of the depression and really, REALLY put loosing the babies to rest. And somewhere, quietly in January, something completely snapped in him. He had some sort of mental breakdown. He had been given valium, and some tricyclic antidepressant in addition to his regular meds. I can't describe it.

And through a course of particular events, I busted him through his cell phone when he was passed out, and read a text that confirmed the suspicions I'd had for a few weeks: that he was messing around with a girl at work.

This was the end of January 2007, just over a year ago. We spent the weekend battling it out, talking it out, crying it out, etc. He found some supposed clarity, and we committed to work on it. Then, that next Tuesday, he called me at work and blindsided me; he had just moved his crap out of the house. I flipped out. He was gone 9 days. One of the things that killed me is that the kids had known about his 'extracurricular activities' for several weeks. It all happened so fast, like I said -- his brain broke. Something broke.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, but I'll try to cover the past year quickly. I ran him around to doctors for a few months; I knew something was wrong, and getting worse. Had him through several psyche evals. In April, he picked up a butcher knife in the kitchen, put his palm down on the counter, and drove the knife in. The kitchen looked like a murder scene. The week prior, I had been on the phone with at least five different place, including his doctor's office (the doctor never would talk to me), trying to get help. I could tell something was going horribly wrong. We fought a lot. I cried a lot. The things he would say...his brain just didn't work right. His personality shifts were unfathomable. We had very little physical relationship. It was a rollercoaster. Nothing made sense. Oh yeah, and my job sucks. Major stresser during all of this. And so, we've been on this rollercoaster ride for a year. Up, down, up, down, he's been home and gone 4 times. His health went to hell in January that year when all this started. Blood pressure was just the beginning. I have managed to get him on different meds, better meds, but he still takes the valium, and it makes him crazy. Like, psycho crazy. And I've been more and more and more run down. Promises and broken promises. Over and over. Excuses. He says he's not had a physical relationship with her (by the way, did I mention she's the same age as the kids, literally? I think 21) during any of the times he has been at home. The longest he was gone was 2.5 months last summer. He's pulled a lot of crap. Part of what sucks, is he wouldn't even remember things he's done. It's like watching someone who's brainwashed themselves. When I say something broke, I mean for real. There's been major blackouts in his memory. Something major would happen, and I'd refer to it a few weeks later and he would have NO IDEA what I was talking about, and I'd have to tell him what happened.

Okay, I'm really getting tired. So, here's most of the scoop: he had some mental breakdown a little over a year ago, and has brainwashed himself to distance from me in ever way in order to support the fantasy land. I am the key to Pandora's Box in him. I open every dark corner and every blindingly bright one. He found himself a shallow, nasty junior version or his ex, and has sunk himself into this bizarre mixture of present and past, non-reality vs reality. Lie, cheat and steal. There's SO much that has been done and said and lied about and it's like he literally doesn't have the emotional capacity to comprehend anything. He exists on this sub-plane of reality and THINKS he has all these emotions and whatever, but I see confirmation after confirmation that he's just...nuts. And turned back into this robot who brainwashes himself in order to justify the daily life, like he was for all those years before with the ex. I've spent so much energy, time, money, thoughts, effort...OMG. And all along he'd promise me 'just be patient...push through...it will all pay off, I promise'.

So, he ran off again a month ago, and I have this house, all this stuff, two cars, a pile of old bills to pay, a job I hate, an anxiety disorder brought on by all this crap a year ago, managed only by drugs , and high blood pressure. No kids, and a big fat pile of shattered dreams. What kills me the most is I know what we're supposed to be. I've touched it, I've tasted it. I know what we were given the capacity for. And it disgusts me that he's not willing to fight to the death for it...there are things in life you will do anything for. It's almost an instinct, like survival. I'm a fight to the death kinda girl, I guess. I'm not some 22 year old kid who's had a boyfirend or two and thinks heartbreak is the end of the world when your boyfriend breaks up with you. I've been around a lot, and for a while. I touched the face of God with this man by my side...how can anything else ever be good enough? And that is the nail in the coffin of my phyche. I've known euphoria...nothing else could ever suffice. He somehow blocked it out. We were given this precious gift...I can't even tell you...and he's done nothing but chip away at it, and refuses to recognize it. How does a human believe that he has even a RIGHT to refuse something like that? Oh...I recognize this kind of talk...I'll be straight-out babbling soon. I gotta stop.

See. I told you it was long and complicated. And that IS the abridged version. I skipped a lot. There is one particular thing that I skipped that I can't bring myself to tell. I don't know if I ever will be able to.

Sorry, you asked, huh Karyn? Bottom line: 13.5 years since the beginning-beginning, 3.5 years since we got officially together, 1.5+ years since we got married, 1+ year since he went crazy. Gee, that's a much simpler answer. Maybe I should have started there.

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Deanna - I personally didn't have any luck with the FRER's. I finally got my + at 16 dpo. I had got a negative at 13 DPO. At 16 dpo I tested in the afternoon, about 4PM with a dollar store test! It was positive. I also used the same urine to do a FRER and the line was SO light. My mom couldn't even see it. Good Luck, Your chart looks great!!! I'll be checking on you!!

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Deanna-Checking in to see if you've tested again. Chart still looked good as of yesterday's temp. I'm holding out hope for you! Hopefully you'll be starting a string of BFPs for us all! Hope you are done with the snow! We only got a little thank god but it was windy and cold here yetserday.

Rebecca-You think like I do. I mentioned those things in the detailed email I sent the company on Friday! When I'm spending this kind of money I expect to see results. We had problems before with the old pump. A different company came out and I explained everything to the guy. He said it was a clogged drain (which I knew it wasn't) and snaked it. Of course within hours I had another back up. Needless to say I complained and got the pump fixed and our money back.

Karyn-Well it looks liike there will be a lot going on next Friday......you get your shot, Jen gets her beta, and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that AF is staying away for me. How's the new job going? Did you like the movie 300? We haven't watched it yet. Keep talking about it but those usually aren't my kind of movies.

So I finally got over the bloated and feeling very uncomfortable feeling yesterday. Then last night when we got home my stomach and ribs hurt. To the point last night I had to sleep on my back. Weird. My stomach has been feeling sore like I've been working out and I didn't even do my shots there. I told DH he's getting an ass whipping if I'm not pg and I've had to feel like this! HA HA.

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Rac- I am so bad with dates.. is Monday the big day? I think it is at least sometime this week.. right?

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Heidi - LOL! I hope your email helps!

Christie - Yep, tomorrow. I'll post an update as soon as I can. Dh and I are going to my sister's today for Gabriella's 10th birthday. I can't believe my first niece is 10 already. I better get in the shower. I told dh I wanted to leave at 2:30.....

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Heidi~I don't think i'm going to test today. My temp went down a little, but nothing like last cycle. I am spotting very very lightly. Its only when I wipe and barely there. So thats kinda weird. If no AF by Tuesday, i'll test again. I just don't feel hopeful! Next cycle, i'm not temping in the 2ww!!!! Our snow is finally done! I heard Columbus got 20 inches!! Not sure what we got, but its a lot. Supposed to be up in the 40's next week so it will all melt and my yard will flood! Can't win with this weather!

Casie~I live right by a dollar store, so maybe i'll try one of their tests before I spend money on the more expensive ones. I thought that you didn't get your positive till 16DPO and that gave me some hope yesterday when I had a negative! So we'll see.....every month is different. I guess all in all, my cycles are improving. So that gives me hope too!

Rebecca~Good luck at your appt tomorrow!

ahh, I hate this time change! We had to put the clocks ahead an hour last night. Throwing me off

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Deanna - I sent you an e-mail on myspace too. The dollar tree ones are pretty good, I used them to test out my trigger and they were very accurate and clear. The internet cheapies are a waste of money, I never understood how people who have a history of chemicals would waste their money on them. The costs of a more expensive HPT is priceless to the peace of mind you will get. Once again you have a beautiful chart. Hopefully the spotting is a fluke and you'll test soon.

Karyn - 300 was an intense one! I bet if you look on like you can find an outfit for DH.

Tina - Good to see you.

Rebecca - Good luck tomorrow, I hope you have a wonderful experience.

Lauren - Carlos thought the happy period comment was funny.

Heidi - How are you feeling??

Mari - All those minutes weren't in a row, it was cummulative. I had to keep sneaking out of work to make the calls.

Having one of those rought weekend. Carlos' neice & 2 newphews spent the night. Brings up all sorts of feelings. Mostly cause we "rear" them entirely differently. So makes me question our ability to raise a child together. And on the flip side the youngest one adores his uncle & it breaks my heart. Right now Carlos took them to the park cause he knew I was close to a nervous breakdown.

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Deanna - I woke up to flurries this morning but it only lasted 1/2 hour. Then it turned sunny & nice! I actually got to walk the dog! I think your chart still looks good!

Heidi - There is quite a bit going on Friday! It will be "send positive vibes out" Day! The job is good! It's so nice getting out! I met this really nice lady who is a BullMastiff breeder! Of course I finally find a P/T job, where I love the girls that work there & they are shutting down in a few weeks! Oh well! I liked 300. Hey if you don't end up liking it, at least there is good eye candy in it! I went to the store to get buns & ended up asking the stock boy if they had chocolate animal crackers! They didn't.

Steph - Wow - you have been through the ringer girl.

Rebecca - I will be thinking about you tomorrw, good luck!

Betsy - Sorry about the rough weekend.

Lauren & Emily - Hi - Hope you had a good weekend!

AF is still here. I have no other symptom that it's here either!!! No bloating or cramping at all! I did get a statement from the insurance saying that they are covering the $20,248.75 that the Lap cost. Our portion is $851 which I didn't think was too bad at all. Then yesterday I get a letter saying that before they pay 2 charges, 1) $3455 & 2) $1,360 - they need all hospital records or complete patient history of onset of all symptoms/complaints, all visit notes & copies of all test results. So I'm hoping that since the RE said he was diagnosing with me painful periods & that is why I was seeing him, that they cover it. Doesn't that just figure, the insurance sees that they found endo but they still want to know why I had the Lap in the first place!

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Deanna-I agree with Betsy that your chart still looks good. I hope the spotting is nothing and temp stays up there! Glad the snow stopped finally. I haven't watched the news too see what everyone got so I'll have to do it tonight. I hate the time change too.....its so early this year and will take me awhile to get use to it again! It took me forever after the time change in November.

Betsy-Off and on feeling bloated and crampy. Weird but to some extent I liek it because its different from last cycle. Last time I felt nothing expect my bbs were sore. This time those are not. Saturday can't come soon enough for me to see what happens. If no spotting I will be rather optomistic! Sorry it has been a rough weekend.

Rebecca-Hope you have a good time at the b-day party. And can't wait to hear how the appt. goes.

Tuesday is my b-day. I can't believe I'm going to be 34. What's even more surprising is I'm not really celebrating since I'm not drinking right now. I haven't had a drop since AF. I've been craving a glass a wine for the last week but trying to ignore it! Friday I'll be off work so my plan is to clean and prepare for my parents and then may be pamper myself with a mani and pedi.

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