TGIF!!!!

Lauren - Is this your first time going on a cruise?

Deanna - Still no spotting! Woo-Hoo!

Betsy - Well I'm glad you got half of what you wanted. Good for you for not accepting what they first said!

Rebecca - Thanks for sending us positive energy, it's nice that you think of everyone! We will do the same for you on Monday, I can't wait to hear how it goes!!

Have a good Friday everyone!

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Karyn - Even though I don't get to post a lot - I always think about you girls!!

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Betsy-You go girl. I'm proud of you for standing up and fighting for yourself. You always do but I think its especially important this time to not go through all the read tape.

Karyn-Still feeling pretty bloated. I feel like I'm going to pop out of my shirt any minute. I'm hoping it susides soon. You're going for your second shot today right? Crazy how fast it goes.....probably not to you though. I know time seemed to drag when I was waiting for certain things to happen in order to move on.

Rebecca-Thanks for all the positive vibes you are sending our way!

Well had another meltdown last night......we are still having problems with our sump pump. Yes can you believe it? Its been 3 weeks. I've tried to be patient working with this company but I'm losing my mind. And DH didn't help.....he got done with work early and instead of going home to check on it thought it was better to have a couple of beers with the guys. So you know he had to deal with me, as I'm crying. The plumber heard it from me and I called and spoke to the owner last night. He said he'd get on it first thing this morning......well its 9am and no call yet about how its going to be handled. Glad I'm not sitting at home waiting for them!

So I will give it until about 11 or 12 and when I don't get a phone call I'll be calling the company and letting them have it. I told the owner last night enough is enough. I've tried to be patient while this guy figures out why the 2nd brand new pump isn't working but now I have water again in my basement. So you can imagine what they're going to experience with all these raging hormones!!!

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Hi girls! I got my DH back!

I'm not sure if we're 100% TTC this cycle yet, as we're pretty busy trying to get back into the swing of things with Juan's job, plus our legislative session is getting close to being over so I'm pretty swamped with work. I am ready to be back to trying though. I haven't posted a lot here because I'm trying not to get too obsessed with baby making right away. I want to enjoy some time with Juan first. So we're not trying, but not preventing at least for this month.

Besty - So glad you got somewhere with your insurance. What a pain! But like you said, you pretty much just need someone to give you the drugs and do the physical work of the insemination, and it sounds like that's what you got! Woo!

Heidi, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with your pump! You'd think someone could just get it right the first time!

Lauren - a CRUISE!! That's awesome. So jealous. Juan and I don't have any big vacation plans this year, since I already took two trips to mexico and he was off work for three months!

Karyn, I'm sorry about AF

Hi Mari, Deanna, Rebecca, Steph, everyone!!

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Betsy - I knew your sparks would fly and you would get some changes! Good for you!!

Hello everyone else! I think of you often!!

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Dana

Good for you, Betsy. Sometimes, the 'dog-with-a-sock' routine is the only thing that will make things happen.

I'm so completely miserable. I really hate him. He's hateful. There's so much I haven't told y'all... I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to do. I know what I'm probably 'supposed' to do, but I've never been one to blindly go by 'supposed to's'. I'm pretty sure (this changes from day to day) I'm moving out of the house. If, and that's a BIG-God-only-knows-how-IF, we manage to reconcile, it's going to have to be somewhere else. I never signed on to financially handle that house by myself. Or the one before that, for that matter, but we were just renting it for a year, so I managed. We're talking about for a long time with this one, because it's a handshake-deal with the owner that we'll purchase it in the no-to-distant future. I've been back and forth and back and forth, really for the past year, but specifically for the past few weeks about it, and really seriously in the past week. I CAN afford it. But not much else. Savings would be minimal. Repairs/improvements next to impossible. I've carried it by myself since January of '07. All of it. The house, utilities, mobile phones (except for whatever the kids paid, and they all ended up screwing me in the end), living expenses, doctor bills. All on my salary. I make decent money, but not THAT much. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. As much as I hate the idea of change and hated the concept of leaving it, I sat there last night looking around, trying to clear my head about it, and asked myself one thing: What good, un-muddied memories do I have of this house? And I could really only come up with two: the feeling of first seeing it and falling in love with it, and the feeling of the two of us staying there for the first night Christmas Eve of '06. I don't have a proud feeling about it. It feels more like a jail now. A jail that I want to be at rather than any of my other choices (like work or any friend's house, or store), but jail none-the-less. And I can find another cell for a lot less. And with that realization, and what's happened at this point, it's going to take a lot more than him just coming home and trying to put things back together. There's a line in a song I heard the other day that struck me...'calling this a home when it's not even close...playing a role with nerves left exposed...'

I gotta go. I don't know how long I can stand this job, and it's part of my jail. I have all this stuff there...furniture...I don't want to disappoint my parents, I know that sounds stupid. But me having a house was a small part of the plan when they retire in a few years; a place to put all the furniture we're keeping, and they've got a lot of stuff. But I guess that's what storage is for, eh? I don't want anyone to know...I'm so ashamed of it all. It's why I've closed myself off from the world around me. NO one knows all of what's really happened. And I have no intention of telling them. I can't, I just can't. I want to disappear, and throwing my stuff in storage and living in a little hotel is the closest thing I can think of. Me, my clothes and my toaster oven. I'm feeling bad about disappointing the guy who owns the house too. But I can't let that stand in the way of what I have to do. So many bills to pay off. Such a big house for only one person. I keep three of the doors closed like the rooms don't exist anyway. I don't know how to mow a yard. Couldn't if my life depended on it. I will miss my lake. But I guess I can drive over and visit. I guess I'm holding onto what the house was supposed to stand for.

I don't want this life. I want a new one. I want to erase the past three and a half years. Hell, I want to erase the past fifteen years. Except I don't want to go back to high school. I hated high school. I know I sound like a blithering idiot. I kinda am. I'm so broken. So downtrodden. In so much despair. It's hard, because people want to help me, and they try, but I've been through some really tough things in my life, and never, NEVER, have I layed there at night and prayed to not wake up in the morning.

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I could save close to $10,000 in year by moving out of this house and into a hotel or little apartment. And money is the only thing that can start to make a job you hate worth anything.

I don't want to live in this reality. I don't even have a concept of it. Nothing makes any sense. It's like everything went to hell so fast, and yet, it's drug on for so long, and always will. This isn't baggage I can put down. It completely changed me the first time we ended the relationship all those years ago. It would totally destroy me now. Maybe that's one of the reasons I've fought so hard; every shred of the self that I've known will disappear, except the shell. And who can even think of 31 years meaning nothing?

And so, it's easier to keep myself closed off. I feel myself shutting down -- and not even in a cold, angry way. In an actual un-feeling way. To everything, little by little. And now, for the first time to him. He's beginning to edge into a 'non-person' place. I'm freaked, and at the same time, I'm not, because I can't feel it. I have small bursts of tears, emotion, anger, but mostly, I spend a lot of time numb. Just numb.

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Steph - I understand a lot of what you're feeling about not wanting to dissappoint anyone, but you need to move on and move out and pick yourself up. You and your brave little toaster oven can move on. (((HUGS)))

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Kel ~ I actually know what you're talking about. You made me laugh and cry at the same time. My 'brave little toaster' oven. That's funny.

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I hate that stupid, "Have a happy period" comercial. Just an observation.

Steph~ I am so sorry hun. I really wish there was something I could say, but I know there's not. I do know that you are so strong, even though you dont feel it now. I sincerely believe in you, and that when you figure out how to work through all of this, you will be ok and HAPPY. I know it's impossible to believe right now... (((hugs)))

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Lauren, speaking of that commercial, I just bumped a thread for you in the Lounge called 'Happy?' or something like that, go check it out...

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Hi girls Still no spotting and i'm now 14DPO. I am wondering if something is off and thats why I haven't spotted yet. This is the first time in 5-6 years that I haven't spotted and i've never had a cycle longer than 32 days I think....so I might test tomorrow morning. Soooooo afraid too! Doesn't seem possible to have my dream come true I guess.

Heidi~I would be irate about my sump pump too! That is just insane to still be having problems. I'm sorry! I hope you get it working soon! We're getting 10 inches of snow tomorrow if that makes you feel any better.....

Betsy~Sometimes bitching pays off! March 12 will be here before you know it!

Emily~WooHoo to having your DH back!

Lauren~A cruise sounds awesome! I have never been on one before. It will be nice and relaxing for you and DH.

Steph~I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know that there is nothing anyone can really say to make things better, but at least we can lend a ear! I hope the best for you and know that we're all here to listen!

Hi everyone else that I missed! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

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Steph-I'm so sorry for all that you have to deal with. Time to self-preserve and if that is moving out that is what you should do. Just know that I'm in your corner rooting for you! Things will get better maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but they will. You just keep being strong and start to put yourself first!

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Deanna-That's great you're not spotting yet! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. We're lucky that storm is landing just south of us....obviously in your region. Sorry for you but happy for us as we thought we were getting 6 inches or more.

Steph-I'm not sure what to say. Well I guess I do......time to move on. I can't imagine as I never be in that position and won't even try to understand. But I have always said you need to take care of yourself which isn't happening by staying. You deserve more.

I can't even begin to tell you the sump pump saga. It has gotten to be almost comical and let me just tell you I know more about sump pumps than probably any man! If they guy wasn't coming tomorrow to install the new, which mind you is currently in my truck since I had to purchase it, I'd probably be installing it myself. Needless to say I've sent the company about a 2 page, nasty email and request some money back. Depending on how things go tomorrow I just might be requesting a full refund!

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Heidi - I hope they're cooperative and give 'something' back. If not, tell them that you're filing a complaint with the BBB and Attorney General. That will get their attention. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Steph - {{hugs}}

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