Ann, I think Snowie might have had it both ways, once with only one shot, once with two (Snow, is that right?). IKWYM a little with the 'same kind of screening' kick in the gut. Not nearly the same kinds of procedures as you've dealt with, but after my 1st m/c, it took weeks and weeks for my levels to drop all the way, the second it was fast. One time during the series of b/w with the first, the phlebotomist asked me, 'so, you think you're pregnant?' with a smile on her face. And I of course, stone face, responded, no, actually I just had a miscarriage'. Betcha she never made that comment to anyone again.

They also made me have an internal u/s and I wanted to kill myself. Never the situation I thought I'd be having an u/s at my OB's office, you know? It was horrible. Even today, three years later, it's one of the only things I remember from that day. I almost just left when they told me they wanted to do it.

I'm sorry hun. This all sucks. I hope your body takes care of you and things go as quickly and smoothly as possible, without anymore procedures.

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Jen-I didn't know that you were too. That is completely crazy!

Ann-I know there aren't right words to say at this point. I hope for you at the very least you don't have to do another shot and things are resolving.

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Hi girls.

Betsy-ARGH! People like that have no clue and pi$$ me off!!! I'm glad you gave his ignorant a$$ a piece of your mind! Suspension well worth it!

Ann-I pmd you back. ((hugs))

Steph-How're you doing these days?

Rebecca-How's the 2ww going?

Karyn-Only one more shot, right, then you're back on the ttc train?

Lauren-So excited for you and your upcoming cycle!

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Snowie YAY your half way through mama!!!! Hope you have been feeling well.

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I had originally written this long ass rant about some of the activity I've been seeing on this thread. But then I figured I would get pegged as the over emotional infertile chick who was being a B*tch. Oh wait but I am.....

So I deleted it...."pooof" ...but don't worry I copied and pasted it in word....in case I'm still pissed in 24 hours.


Melissa - Good luck tomorrow.

Em - you have my

Lauren - each day you continue to pull me forward, despite not wanting to anymore.

Snowie - love and miss you dearly.

Got my authorization Dr. # 8...here I come....April 3rd.

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Ann - So sorry to hear of your loss. I remember my m/c last summer, I also was not expecting it at all. They found a HB at 6 weeks, so I thought I was out of the woods so to speak, but when I went back for my next appt (9.5 weeks), the HB was gone. I had no sx of a m/c, so I was completely shocked. I didn't start bleeding/cramping until 9 days later, got a Rhogam shot, and then miscarried the next day at home. That was my only pregnancy (on 50 mg Clomid), and I know the fear of another loss has affected my mind & body as DH and I continue to try each month. But prayer, encouraging friends/family, & time really do help to heal those wounds.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

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Ann - with my ectopic, I only had one shot. My beta was at 950 when they gave it to me, and then it dropped to like 800 in one week. It did take a full month for my beta to get back to zero, and then I bled. A lot. Not for a very long time, but when I started to bleed, it was pretty intense. I'm not sure that was normal for ectopic, but I was glad I was at home when it happened.

I hope your numbers make a swift trip back to zero. Big hugs, and again, so sorry.

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Okay girls, I need to make a decision. AF showed up yesterday, well just spotting, but today is full flow, so I'm calling CD1 today.

I can't do this halfway TTC stuff anymore. I'm not good at pretending I don't know where I am in my cycle, so I either need to go full throttle, or give up. Being in the middle is making me miserable.

That being said. I hate Clomid. Hate it! But, I am considering calling my RE and asking for three months worth. If it works, wonderful. If it doesn't, I might just have to stop altogether. Not sure how I would do that. But TTC is ruining my life. Two years of tears and feeling inadequate is my limit, and I'm past that now.

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Emily-I know it would be impossible for me to be in the halfway-TTC mode so I think you should go for it with the clomid. Maybe having a plan would make you feel a little better?

Emz-just wanted to comment on the spotting. I've had very very light spotting these last couple of days after O but I think it is from bd, maybe that is it for you too?

Rac-hope the 2ww is going ok, I know the end is near!

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Emily - GO for it girl!!! Seeing Rac and now maybe you get back on the wagon gives me a good feeling!!! No matter what you decide you know we are all here to support you!

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Well I did it. I called up my RE and talked to the nurse. My doctor is out until Monday. The nurse said she wants the doctor to look at my chart in case he wants to try Femara or something else instead. Otherwise I will probably start Clomid on CD5, which would be Tuesday.

I can't believe I'm back to doing this. I'm exactly back to where I was one year ago.

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Em - I hope the RE does go the Femera route, you've tried the clomid before. Although you weren't monitored were you? The clomid for me even at 150 makes no difference in my follicle size or lining size. And only others dealing with infertility or who have dealt with infertility understand that feeling of how incredibly difficult it is in being at the half way mark or going full throttle. We make these decisions daily and it's a never ending process until we get our babies in our arms.

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Betsy, yeah I had no luck on Clomid, wasn't monitored, but it did increase my 7 dpo progesterone levels significantly. I only did it for three months. I'd be interested in Femara, though I don't know a whole lot about it.

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Em - maybe if you mention how much you hated the Clomid and that you would really like to try something else. Think they would listen?

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Cassie - I might mention it to my doctor, but I think it wasn't so much that I hated Clomid specifically. I hated that I had to do something artificial to make a baby. It was more of a pride and emotional issue than any significant side effect from the drug itself (except the hot flashes! woo boy!).

I'm trying not to really put my effort into getting excited about TTC again until I talk to the doc on Monday.

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Em - Oh ok I understand now. Best of Luck to you!

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Em - I feel bad with what you're going through! And don't you just hate it when people say to you, "You just need to relax and it will happen." How do you relax when you know at each moment what is going on with your body, which hormone is surging, and what kind of CM you're having?? (not to be too graphic). The truth is there is NOBODY on this earth who can really truly understand the daily struggle you war within yourself each day. I am thankful that this website was recommended to me because I know that there is a MUCH DEEPER UNDERSTANDING here among other IF girls, but I feel like I am still looking for someone who is going through EXACTLY the same thing I am and better yet, who got pregnant with my same "stats."

When it comes down to it, you have to go with your gut. Input from others and your DH & RE is soooo valuable, but only you know how you truly feel. It's OK to feel absolutely discouraged and downtrodden, this is hard and frustrating and painful! Please keep us posted on your decisions...one day at a time.

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Cass - Thanks!

Emz - It really is hard to find anyone who understands. I've had four miscarriages in the last two years, two of them earlier than 5 weeks. I've yet to find anyone in my non-internet life who has been through the same thing. There is another girl on this site (Snowie) who is probably the closest, diagnoses-wise, to me...and she's halfway through her pregnancy, so she gives me some hope.

It's just hard when in your head you have this understanding that you are never going to be a mother, and everything you are doing to try and become one is against nature's plan. That's why I struggle so much with doing Clomid, and other types of procedures. I'm not religious, so I don't believe it is against God or anything, it just feels like maybe I personally was not made to have children, and everything I do contrary to that is screwing with the fates or something. Maybe I was made to be a "mother" in the nontraditional sense, in being nurturing and loving to those around me in a motherly way. By not having children, I will be able to do and give a lot more of my time to caring for others, to being a good wife, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend. But being in this world of TRYING AND TRYING and not getting anywhere is 1. not giving me a baby, and 2. stopping me from being nurturing in the other sense. Something has to give, one way or another.

Okay, just rambling now. Just something I've been thinking about a lot. I'm in a super funk this week.

I want to add that I support anyone who is doing infertility treatments, and I hope no one is offended by what I wrote. I am applying it only to myself, personally. We all have our limits as to what we can endure.

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