Hey - I'm alive. Been pretty miserable for the past few days...I didn't stop feeling nauseous until 9:30 last night. There is nothing worse (even vomiting!) than FEELING like you are going to for hours and hours on end. I hadn't gotten sick since Tuesday at midnight, but all day yesterday I was sick to my stomach. Ugh.

Gina and Lisa, thanks for thinking of me.

Bets - Yes, there is contact with 'the girl'. I'm in a state of disengaging, he's not sleeping in the bedroom with me (my decision now), and I'm only going to be worrying about myself right now. He has a problem with prescription narcotics (rightfully needed with his back, but he overdoes it a lot), and he can get pretty hateful. And he's lying a lot, etc. I told him recently that he better either stop or get a whole lot better at it, because he's used to lying to people who aren't nearly as smart as I am. After being miserable for the past few days and fighting and the 'narcotic-psychotic' episodes, I just got to a point yesterday and last night where I'm not going to engage in any of this stuff anymore. I'm rallying the internal troops, and putting all my effort into caring for myself. I will not let him bait me so that he can use my anger as an excuse for his bad behavior. I will not respond in anger. I've gotten to the point where I'm about half a step away from a mental meltdown, and I'm just not having it. He's going to do what he's going to do. I have to cease all engagement with it and concentrate on myself. Period. I don't really care what he does right now. If he's just going to lie, I don't even want him to talk to me, you know? So, my time frame is the next three days of 100% self-absorbtion. I'm going to bed on time, I'm going to care for myself, the rest of them are on their own.

I haven't given up hope, but my hope has shifted. I still believe what I have always believed. I'm NOT willing to live in misery. I'm not willing to accept being treated badly and I'm not willing to be taken advantage of. He want's to play 'roomies', eh? Well, then, he can pay half the bills, THEN he can do whatever he wants. I know that comes off a bit spiteful, but it's really not rooted there. I'm just DONE with this crap. I'm no longer playig to doormat. It isn't my job or my responsibility to pay for or 'fix' him from all the garbage that he's endured in his life (which is considerable, to be fair, since he was a very small child -- he's a damaged soul). But I don't deserve to pay for it all. He's having this sort of selfish fit, like 'since I was xx years old I've had to...' Kinda like a version of the 'wild oat sowing' thing, but a whole lot bigger than that. Regardless, I'm not obligated to be treated badle to make up for the past injustices visited on him by others. SO, to that end, I'm concentrating on me for a few days to see if I can scrape my brain back together, and go from there. My descisions are going to be all based on my current and immediate well-being.

Emily - clomid can change everything. I had 'fluid troubles', and that was one of the things that DH always found very arousing about me, was lots of 'fluids'. An outward signal of desire, which in turn increased his own. SO, when that changed, I think it eventually had some psychological ramifications and contributed to this mess, since that part of our life was and has always been so developed and so intense. Em, if I had one piece of advise for you, knowing what I know about me, and knowing what I know about you, is if you feel something is damaging you or him or the relationship, even a little, don't panic, but don't wait. DO SOMETHING. Don't wait for it to just 'get better'. Don't wait for it to go away. My brain is a little muddled from being so sick, and I don't think I'm expressing myself too well. {{{hugs}}} Get some pre-seed and start playing porn for yourself or reading harlequin novels (I used to love Jude Devaraux -- GREAT stories).

Hi everyone. There is so much going on for everybody.

If someone can start compiling some data, and post it in that 'IVF/IUI stats' thread, I'll make a 'graduates' section so we can see some statistics of people that were doing it before that thread began. I know Ann (I think did several IUIs, then IVF, I'd like to have that kind of data, if the person doesn't mind) and Missy. I can't think of who else.

__________________

Bets~ I told her that was true, that some people did not have babies. I didn't say anything else. It caught me off guard. I really wanted to cry, knowing that she and her mom must have had a conversation about me not having a baby. Her mom would probably love it if we never got pregnant.

__________________

Lauren-Just wanted to say AF has shown for me today as well. Here's to meds, IUI for you and the last possibility of a 2007 baby!

__________________

Steph~ I'm so sorry you're still on that roller coaster ride. I know you don't like it when people say negative things about your H, so I will bite my tongue (finger nails in this case). Remember none of this is your fault. I'm glad you came to the conclusion to start taking care of yourself. I wish there was something I could do to help you. In the mean time I'll just be an ear for you. ((Hugs)).
BTW: Have you thought about becoming a writer?

__________________

Lauren - chin up. She's young & probably doesn't understand. You'll get there - we all will. You should tell that that it just takes a little longer for some people to have babies.

Steph - Hang in there. I think its so great that you are looking out for yourself. You'll make it through these tough times.

Steph, honey, I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. I know you said you wanted to salvage this, but it seems like he's showing you no respect at all. That makes me so sad for you. I know how hard it is to keep your head up when someone is constantly making you feel unworthy of their affection, and you don't deserve to be treated badly. No one does. You can't "fix" him or take away his past, he has to figure out how to be happy all on his lonesome and deal with his demons. I know how it feels to love someone who seems so broken, but we have to love ourselves too or end up just as broken as they are. Some things I had to remind myself of a month or two ago:

1. It's not normal to cry every day
2. It's not okay to cuss at each other/fight every day.
3. It's not okay to threaten to leave each other every day.

Those things aren't okay. They're detrimental. You can't have a succesful relationship when those things are present.

We've identified a lot of the problem in our relationship stems from Juan's alcohol problem, and he's made a valiant effort at addressing it. Things are better between us, but the struggle is never going to end. I have to understand that, he has to understand it. When someone has a troubled past, or an addiction, or an illness, it is an ongoing issue. You're right, that just letting things stay "not okay" is not the right plan of action for me, but I worry that you're letting things stay "not okay" for you. Big hugs to you as well.

PS - I'm not even interested in porn these days. I mean zero sexual desire. My hormones are obviously doing something whacky. If this is a side effect for me of clomid, I don't know if it's worth it.

__________________

Thanks, y'all. I'm taking a first big step for me in making sure things aren't going to stay 'not okay' for me. There's going to be a lot of layers.

I am trying to be careful to find the balance between not taking on responsibility that isn't mine, and keeping in mind that if we really, TRULY work through all this, who has done what won't matter, so getting mired down in anger and spite will do nothing to serve me, and will only cause more damage. I feel like I am learning to walk the tightrope with that part...but I'm doing it gingerly, and putting myself first relative to that, so for now, I'm 'okay'. And with the point everything got to in the past two days, doing just okay feels pretty good, and is a life-saver. But you can't tread water forever...

I appreciate your thoughts. You know Em, he doesn't cuss at me. We do a bit when our blod is up, and he's swears like a sailor normally, but when speaking to me directly, or even during arguments, he does much less. It's a funny thing... But yeah, the 'it's not normal to cry everyday' thing...yeah, that hits home.

Jen - thanks, the simple words of encouragement help more than you might think.

Gina... A writer? No, why do you say that? I feel like I usually jumble everything up, and I KNOW I use the word 'just' waaaay too frequently. LMAO! Now that I've said that, everyone will notice...

__________________

JEN! YOU PUT YOUR TICKER IN YOUR AVATAR SPOT! OMG, THE PAGE IS ENORMOUS! LOL!

__________________

WHOA~ This page is all out of whack!

Steph~ *HUGS* I am so sorry things are so difficult right now! I wish there was something I could do to help make things better for you!!

Buffett~ YAY for AF! Strange, huh?? So, I think that is me, you and Bets that all got af today! We will all have our iui's together!

__________________

Steph - OMG biting tounge with Regina. Just take care of you girl, cause no one else will do it for you. And I agree I love how you write. It's very expressive - hopefully you keep a journal at home.

Can one of the moderator's go in and fix Jen's avatar?

Em - OMG I am worried about your sex drive. That is not good. It has to be the meds.

Lauren - I haven't gotten AF yet. I O'd on St. Patty's day with Jen & Rebecca. My next IUI is approximately around your birthday/my anniversary. My guess is I'll go in for my u/s on the 10th and IUI on Thursday. That's why I was saying I need you, Reg, and girly to get BFP's so I can go into my IUI feeling more positive.

__________________

Betsy I know! It is horrible! I mean Juan and I are usually at it 5 or 6 times a week. I'd still do it for his sake, but he just feels horrible when he gets off and I don't. I just hope I haven't lost it forever. This month's BD chart looks so much sadder than other months. I miss that intimacy.

I'm so excited for all of you IUI girls! Lauren I sure hope you get a lefty this month.

__________________

Emily - I'm sorry about the lost sex drive. Mine has been gone lately too. I think moving is wearing me out! Your last comment about losing it forever did crack me up though. There is an episode of Sex in the City where Samantha (I think) thought she had used up all of her orgasms and would never have another one. She was stressing out! Don't worry, they'll be back!

__________________

Kayla that's so funny! I sometimes worry that I'm going to mentally psych myself out from ever having one again. Just terrible. Hopefully we'll get our mojos back.

__________________

Bets~ oops. I must have read something wrong. I thought you were a little off from me, but got confused.

Em~ Thank you! ME TOO! For THREE MONTHS I have had the strong follies on the right. I NEED ONE (OR THREE) BIG ONES FOR THE LEFT!!!!

__________________

Lauren~ Too bad there wasn't a way they can put miracle grow only on your left ovary

Jen~ You need to move your ticker out of the avatar section and paste it in your signature.

Not sure how computer Savy you are so I am giving you exact instructions. Sorry if it's too explanatory.

Right click on the name and "save it to your computer"


then you need some sort of photo website to upload the pic to we all have free accounts with www.photobucket.com.

If you are using photobucket:

follow the directions to "create an album"

"browse" for the pic and click "open" save it to photobucket by clicking "submit"

next you want to "copy" the IMG the IMG is the third and last code on a photobucket pic

come back to this site and click on "profile" at the top of the page

scroll down to the "signature" box and right click to "paste" the copied IMG code.

scroll down click "submit" and you my dear have a glitter sig.

We all have tickers in our sigs as well to help others keep track of where we are in our cycles

If you want one go to www.tickerfactory.com or www.snugglepie.com or www.lilypie.com or www.tickercentral.com to create your ticker.

__________________

Gina~ I wish it were that easy! Clomid is my Miracle Grow. I need a blinkie.

__________________