Rebecca - it sounds like you both need each other right now but her problems don't seem to leave room for yours... I can't imagine how it feels to have her say those thoughtless things.

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I don't know how anyone who's ever gone through IF could 'not want this thing'. Can't even imagine. I wanted a fairy tale, but I'm not going to get it. I still want/would want my kids though, no matter how they got here...I'd be good enough for them.

Started trying to talk to another friend yesterday about everything...and again ended up frustrated and feeling worse like no one could understand me. She has one child (11yrs), and had an abortion before that when we were younger (she was about 19 or 20 if I remember). And she just couldn't begin to grasp...how could she, I guess. But it doesn't make it less lonely.

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Rebecca ~ That just makes me sad and want to stomp my feet. You may have to call the Waaambulance on me. erg.

Karyn ~ I know, what if the kids don't show up? Guess the school will loose a boat load of money for their stupidity. I just got a look at the yearbook and apparently, the yearbook staff didn't show the mock up to the principal, they showed her the finished product and she went through it and said alot of the pictures were inappropriate so I guess the yearbook staff went in (or the company that made the yearbooks) and put these white stickers over entire pictures or the hands of students! Then, there was an entire layout devoted to the tattoos and piercings that students have! I was in so much shock over that one that I took a picture of it and e-mailed it.

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Rebecca - Do you think she's ticked of who the father is? I mean not her ex? Not that it's any excuse. I wish you had a more supportive friend. That's why you have us

Irene - The RE said AF SHOULD arrive 4-6 weeks after the last shot. I have read about women taking Provera to jump start AF. I don't really want to have to do that. I think my body needs to get back on it's own. When I was planting flowers & pulling weeds, I had on jeans, socks & tennis shoes! Who knows how I got it! I did shave though! I was just really careful & did it lightly where the rash was. There was no way I could go on any longer with the beastly legs

Melissa - OMG, you need to get out of that ghetto school!! Wouldn't the kids just remove the stickers anyway! I really hope you find something else!

Have a great day girls!

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Karyn - No, she just wants the father to be a father and not act like an immature 18 year old. They're both being extremely self absorbed and not thinking about the effects this will have on that baby. No baby has come into this world looking for a fight.

Studies have actually shown that babies who have no affection in the womb have harder lives and some have terrible relationships with their parents. Babies and sense things and they know. My Somatic Psychology teacher said that when he got his first wife pg, it was on their honeymoon. She was a virgin and had NO desire to be pg that soon (at only 18 years old, too). Well, about 15 years later, she told him that she didn't want to be pg and hated every second of her pregnancy. To this day, she and her first son do not get along. Makes sense to me.

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http://rchiprean.abmp.com/index.html

REally swamped at work we have a conference starting on Saturday going through Wednesday that I am having to get ready for and all my other work too. Just wanted to say hello.

Kayrn have had some grape and cherry tomatoes, my big ones will not turn red, and no Forrest can't have them for fried green tomatoes.

Rebecca big hug, have friends like that too. As long as I am there for them things are great, but when I have my own set of problems they don't have time for me. Thank goodness I have Forrest and my family.

Lauren love the house, is it closer to me?

Stephanie, hugs!

Hello everyone else, sorry got to run.

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Karyn - I guess that lupron is some wicked stuff. I remember reading a couple of weeks ago that you thought AF was coming but I guess she psyched you out... biatch as usual I see why you don't want to take the provera to bring her on - did your doctor say when she would really recommend that versus just waiting?

Rebecca - I guess I was confused but I thought the father was her ex and thats why she didn't want the baby since they were splitting up? Not that there's any good reason whether its her ex or some new guy... It is sad if the baby can sense that its unloved... hopefully she will snap out of it and fall in love with her child. Does she have any other children from the 7 years of trying or this is her first?

Lisa - I'm so jealous of all this garden talk. I've been thinking of planting an herb "garden"... that would be a couple of small pots in my tiny apartment

Steph - I can't imagine it either. Hopefully your friends try to understand even if they can't fully grasp how you feel... hugs...

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Rebecca ~ Like Irene, I thought the father was her ex. It makes sense what you said about being loved or unloved in the womb ...

Karyn ~ Apparently the stickers over the pictures have a strong adhesive and if you try and pull them up, you either ruin the picture or leave a sticky adhesive that will make your pages stick together...but thinking about it, I have the scrapbooking supply, an adhesive remover, wonder if I could use it on one of the student's scrapbooks?

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Irene - Nope, no other children. This is probably going to be the only one, too since her clock is running out, too.

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I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING PEOPLE COMPLAIN! I'D TRADE LIVES WITH JUST ABOUT ANYONE IN A SPLIT SECOND! ALL I WANT TO DO IT BURST INTO TEARS OR GO THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE COMPLAINING! THE GIRL AT WORK WHO'S PG IS COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING BLOATED! I DON'T CARE! I LIKE HER, BUT NOW SHE'S SUDDENLY TURNED INTO A $%CKING CRY-BABY, AND I'M NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THIS FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. WAH-WAH-WAH. PEOPLE JUST NEED TO LEARN TO SHUT THE $#$& UP. GET OVER IT. YOU WANT PROBLEMS?!? I'D TAKE YOUR PROBLEMS IN A MINUTE. I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT SOME REAL $#%&@#* PROBLEMS!

There's still a shadow from the blood stain on my wall from last year when my "husband" drove butcher knife through his hand and I had to have him ED'd ("Emergency Detained" by the police) to get him to the ER. Amongst the truckload of other awful, evil, horrible, inconsiderate, hateful, mean, nasty things he's done that I've scratched and clawed and screamed and fought against. Because he's completely insane. And no one knows it except me. But who am I? What could I possibly know. His kids can drop dead for all I care. I hate them all.

And I got an earful this past weekend from my mother about how my sister had has such a hard year. Oh, please, she doesn't know from tough. I'm supposed to feel sorry for her, or even GIVE A CRAP when she's caused her own problems?!?!?

I tell you, I may have to walk around with earplugs, cause I can't take the world anymord.

I'm so close to the edge...I have to get out of here. I hate this place. I hate the whole god-forsaken city. But all I can think about is using this stupid job to save money so then I can do whatever. And run away. Because right now I have nothing but all this 'stuff' in this house chained around my ankles. But I don't think I can take much more, and there's no way I could start a new job. I don't have the brain-power available.

God, please just put me out of my misery.

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Oh Steph, can you just run away? Because right now it sounds to me like you need a break. Oh how I wish I could help you hun. If I had the money I would send it all right now.. There is a point that your own sanity matters more than everything else.. more than H's health, more than keeping the house, more than good credit. I know I haven't been around for everything, but maybe it is time to cut ties and walk away for a little while.. gain some prespective. If I am way off base, just ignore me, but I am hurting for you. HUGS

You made me cry. But no, you're not off base.

He doesn't care anyway. He says he does, but he's just a ghost. He doesn't have much real emotion -- his brain never recovered from it's breakdown last year. He lives in the pseudo-reallity and has no comprehension of actions or true reality of consequence.

I want to run away, but I can't run far enough yet. I can get rid of the house in a couple weeks. Movers, cleaners, storage, freind to take me in, apartment already chosen. I have to tread water for a handful of months (get a short lease), get a chunk of money together, then I can go anywhere in the world. He's gone anyway. In more ways than physically. He's going to end up dead, despite my best efforts. This empty carcass of someone who once was...with all the blinding light that was in there so far away you can't even see it anymore. No better than a prescription junky. And I'm supposed to find a way live with that. Doesn't matter whether I have to see it or not, I'll know. I'll know what's not and what is and what was supposed to be. And it will eat me alive.

I kept his meds. But he doesn't have a car anyway so he can't drive himself into a highway wall (the truck is mine, so I have both vehicles). Some guy offered to buy the truck the other day when I wasn't home, I'm trying to get a hold of him. Boy would that save me a lot of hassle. I already shut down his phone and removed him from the car insurance (save myself money). Feeling guilt over my parents. But Hell, they're moving to Florida in two years, so who cares?

A lot of my mental state is going to hinge on next week when I see if AF shows (there was only once chance). Not that I would be that lucky. I don't think I'd even freaking tell him at this point. He doesn't deserve me. He was lucky to even have me and I was stupid to even let him. So, my brain will likely go into meltdown mode/high gear at the same time after the verdict comes down next week, and then I'll have to just go do it all and hope someday to disappear. I hate him.

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Oh Steph, it's time for survival mode. Get out.. do what you have to do. He can't take you down with him. I am sorry. As for AF, if she does show up you just have to decide that this isn't your last chance to be a mommy. There are othere ways.. HUGS my friend, I am thinking of you.

Steph be careful taking him off of insurance. As long as the two of you are still legally married, you could be liable for any damages he does while driving.

It's time to let go. I know you put a lot of importance on your marriage vows, but there are times when even God approves of divorce, and even the most fundamental of fundamentalist christians will tell you that. I can send you the scripture links if you want. You put up a good fight, you did your damnest, and no one can fault you for not doing everything necessary to keep your marriage intact. There comes a point when it's self-abuse, and I feel you're at that point. You don't have to keep sacrificing yourself for an idea of what could be, or what was.

I know money is tight. I hope you get the chance to get out soon. It's not about saving your marriage anymore, hon, it's about saving yourself.

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Steph - I agree with what Emily said it is not about saving your marriage it is about saving you. You are the most important person!!!!

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Thanks guys. One day when I have the strength, I'll tell you all everything.

I just sit there in the evenings and stare and feel like I'm barely breathing, not feeling.

Em, regarding the insurance, I called my insurance company Saturday night (when I got home to the empty house, but he had the "kindness" to call and let me know it would be when I was on my way there ), and in Texas, you actually can't remove your spouse, even if the policy is in your name, without their consent until after a divorce. EXCEPT for one loophole...something I didn't know about until I said it. In the matter of permanent separation without the intent to reconcile and without the intent of divorce, you CAN remove your spouse from your insurance policy (he's just ON mine). The agent I was talking to who specializes in this department couldn't tell me that, but when I said it to him that way, he snapped right to it and said well, that's what I needed to know, now we've got some options.

Anyway, I'll trudge along without any legal BS. I know I'd also have religious permission at this point to pursue a divorce. It's never really been so much that, but more my own beliefs, religious, mixed with moral, mixed with stubborn, mixed with whatever else, I guess 'true believer in people' syndrome. I won't though. He's going to do whatever he wants regardless, and I'll see him in Hell before I ever give him or his little slut or any of the kids the satisfaction (they've all helped with this destruction, ungreatful, self-centered, bastards that they are). What do I care after all? It's not like by divorcing, I'd forget or heal. Not going to happen. Doesn't even compute. Apparently never mattered, so why deal with it? If he wants to run around like some teenager, he can do it with the knowledge that he has a wife somewhere who busted her a$$ and deserved the world. And that can be his punishment.

I'll never get married again anyway. Never. Mark my words. N-E-V-E-R. I was one of those people who would have had my eyes poked out before I believed he could EVER do anything like this to me. I'll never trust anyone like that again. Ever.

I'll set myself up however it's going to be, and get my own stupid health insurance and use donor sperm. At least I'll be good enough for them.

But I can't deal with all that now. I'm still sitting on the couch staring at the windows trying to figure out it I can really do it all and go.

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