LMAO@ the 'bad aim' convo. Fortunately, that's one problem I've never had with him.

Rhea ~ Yeah. I was kinda thinking something like that. It goes against the grain, b/c I don't play games, and my instincts tell me to soothe something like that. Okay, in all honesty, I did soothe him just a little, I told him it had never happened before in the past four years; I'd never ever even for a moment had anyone else on my mind -- until two months ago. But perhaps he needs to feel jealous and remember what he had. This part of me has been in total lock-down for the past year+. It reared it's head and has come out with teeth and claws, and I'm in self-preservation mode emotionally. I can't think about him like that; it would tear me to shreds. I know he's where the real emotion lies, I know he's where the heavy-duty physical core is centered, but I can't allow myself to remember it not right now.

Son of a bitch. I just realized why this all started. A few months ago, we woke up in the middle of the night, both of us, literally woke up in the middle of having sex. We've woken up entwined plenty of times, but this was really far into it. Everything’s been so reserved for so long with all the garbage from the past year and a half…but that night, we were dead ASLEEP, guard was down, and it was raw subconscious emotion. And hot. Like old times. We didn’t talk about it other than ‘were you asleep’ ‘uh huh, you?’ ‘yup’ ‘what on earth was that?’ ‘I have no idea’. Dammit, that’s what unlocked everything…that guard dropping, just for a little while, activating the high power physical stuff. Oh hell, I’m an idiot, I can’t believe I didn’t put those things together before. It was all around the same time.

Uuuuugh. I'm tired. I have to deal with this tonight and get some sleep.

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I think it is absolutely amazing that with that big ole opening they STILL can't get the pee in the pot. I mean really?

Are chonies all underwear or only "tightie whities?" LOL

Steph- Seriously, you have the best sex stories. That's crazy wonky. I don't know what else to say about the guard-dropping though. Except I'm sorry that you feel that you can't. That's terrible.
So he's back in the house, then? I know you haven't really gone into crazy detail but I was just curious.

Christie- We use Chones to refer to all clothing of the underwear persuasion....except my bras. That's just the boulder-holder.

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'Underwear persuasion'? LMAO!

Yes, all types of undies. It's a unisex term.

Rhea ~ You know...well, on one hand when it comes to that stuff, it's fun to be me, on the other hand, it comes with its own set of troubles.

No, he's not there. No details because life is in a holding pattern. He's not there. Yet. Probably. Things are very, VERY complicated. Know that I take what he says guardedly (very) and with a grain of salt: he says he's going. He's been saying it almost since I brought it up. His verbage has changed dramatically in the past two weeks, and either he's about a hundred times smarter than I ever even knew and is a total bastard working the mother of all manipulations, or his brain is starting to repair itself. He's said things, in certain ways, that I haven't heard in a long time. Making sense of things I've tried to explain over and over. So he says wants to go, get on with our life, it's the only way for us to have a chance, etc, but he doesn't want to tell anyone until right before. And frankly, I didn't want to admit it, but I agree. He doesn't want to hear it and I don't want to deal with him hearing it, I don't want to hear it, and I don't want any of them to have much time to work him and tie him into knots beforehand. I'm not thinking through any of this, or even feeling through it. I just have to do it, and I know it. It's part of why I'm avoiding facing this all down. I can't even comprehend what happens if he flakes at the last minute. I can't think about it all. Anyway, the timing of him going is delicate, for complicated reasons. And, as much as I haven't wanted to even THINK about it to admit it...it's better...safer...if he doesn't come home yet. That sounds RIDICULOUS. I don't really think I even want him there. It KILLS me to admit that. I don't want more of the same, or anything resembling the same. I'm willing to take something totally different, and that only happens when we leave.

The 'incident' I was referring to above was about six weeks ago. Glad you get a kick out of my weird stories. Heh.

No, we haven't spent much time in that physical place during all the time he was home, which has been a huge part of the problem...up in the air as to whether that has been a cause or a symptom. I say cause. It's a cornerstone for us. It's two cornerstones. Regardless, the lack of it has been smothering us for a long time. We just...don't stop. I refer to 'us' as I've always known us, last year and a half notwithstanding. So, yeah, it's all guarded during the times together since life blew up. And its slowly been killing me. And contributing to his brain imploding last year.

I have no clue what life is going to look like a few months from now. I won't even try. I can't afford to let myself think about what could be or not be. I don't know. I just have to see. I have to. I breathe him. Complete bastard or not. Dangerous or not. One life and this is where my choices have led me.

I'm babbling, again I don't remember what my point was.

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Steph- Don't think about the future. That'll only f**k with you. All you have to think about is leaving. And only in so far as packing your things. You have to have the resolve (which I know you do) that you are going with or without him. period. And it's def best if he's not there right now. The rest you can freak about later.
The only reason I asked is that I thought you said something about "another woman" on the day most recently when everything went to hell and you decided to leave. I wasn't sure if "she" was something that was going on currently or not.
And I should just shut up before I make you over-think things.....which you AREN'T going to do. Not now. Tonight, you will sleep.

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Yeah. I'm going. I've told him that. I'm scared to death. But I'm going. No turning back now. And it all feels completely surreal.

Of course, the car may steer itself the other direction and take me to Phoenix if I'm alone...LMAO! Track down my boy Bret. I know, I'm being ridiculous. Yes, lets go hunt down the rock star, good plan. *giggle*

Okay, back to being serious, that was good advise, thanks.

As far as his 'misstep'...um...there's some residual issues, yes. One day when I feel like I'm ready, I'll tell everyone everything. Someday. Again, something I haven't really had the security to even begin to process.

Trying not to freak. Likely again part of what has me in a tail spin. I will sleep...I will sleep...

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Yes. You will sleep. Cause I said so . Oh, and hunting down Bret sounds like a good idea to me! LOL, you might get arrested though....maybe not. I don't think "but officer, we know each other! He felt me up!" will quite fly. LOL!

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OMG, you just made me laugh so hard my eyes teared up.

And dammit, bad timing. Life better go 'right', because I just looked and they going to be touring for a while, starting tonight. And F*%K if I'm not going to miss them/him in Tampa by a week and a half (he's layering in BMB shows with Poison shows at different venues, sometimes the same day or days in a row! This tour schedule is unbelievable from what I glanced at.). Grrrrr...oh, now I'd looooooove to do a show right now...it would be like porn...you'd have to scrape me up off the floor... *sigh*

I'm totally stashing that line away for future use if needed, Rhea.

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DAMMIT! He's going to be an hour from San Antonio on October 11th. And I won't be here!!!!!! $*#^%(expletive)*#$&%

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Claire ~ I wanna show up to your house and throw some pebbles at the window. I’ll be waiting outside with my camera on the tripod set to rapid fire, LOL! I say chon-ees.

Karyn & JJ ~ Chonies makes me laugh too but I can handle saying the word. Panties on the other hand? I don’t like saying it, it makes me cringe. I know, I’m weird, can’t explain it. I saw this episode of Dr. Phil where this girl cringed at any words related to sex. Like she even hated saying the word “Cheeze – nips” because the nips part! Now that is a little excessive.

Em ~ I was totally thinking the pizza turnovers when you said Calzones!

Christie ~ I call all underwear chonies.

Steph ~ If Daniel goes with you, will he have a job lined up? I was just wondering. I know that you do.

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No, not working on that right now. Since my income is the most important one, he'll find something to fit around my schedule. Actually, I can handle the financial stuff for a while, for the most part, what I really want him to do is get a little part time nothing job and go to school and finish his degree; he's only got 5 hours left, and there are tons of schools in that area.

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Steph- If he were to transfer with Walmart wouldn't you have insurance though?

Mel- The camera thing bout made me fall off my chair! LOL! Only TRUST me, you don't want to see either of us buck naked! OK, well I still love seeing my baby naked, but he certainly isn't that pic of beckam that Irene (I think) posted. OMG, I hate "panties" too. Sounds like a pedophile. I have to say "nipple" and "caulk" (sounds like something dirty) everyday at work. There's actually such a thing as a "brass nipple"- The boys laugh their butts off if I refer to them being "MY brass nipples".

Steph- sorry you are going to be missing your boyfriend all over. And yes, Daniel does have a job lined out over there (should he go)- To be a good hubby.

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Mel/Claire - You have to say panties with an accent like they do in all the Victoria's Secret commercials... isn't VS actually based in Ohio... cracks me up that they try to make it sound all European?? I've never actually heard anyone call underwear chonies in person. Nipples make me laugh too... I love how plumbers always talk about male and female parts

Steph - You might have to kick Ambre and Daisy's butts... I think they're still fighting over him.

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Em/Mel~I have a friend whose whole family speaks Spanish. One day, years ago, I was going out to lunch with her and her kids and we were going somewhere specifically to have their calzones. Her kids were totally grossed out, thinking that we were going to eat underwear. LOL

Steph~I saw a Poison commercial this morning and thought of you...

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Irene ~ LOL! Actually, I don't think they're together -- so I hear.

JJ ~ *sigh* Dammit. You know what's really stupid? I'm actually jealous that you saw the commercial and I didn't. Good lord, I've lost my mind.

Christie ~ He may reapply with them -- that transfer thing isn't going to happen.

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