Missy~Thanks for asking about my friend. She got the b/w results and they were negative. She's crushed, but still going through with another cycle. She has had 2 laps done and one almost killed her. The dr hit a vein or something that wasn't supposed to be there. I feel bad for her. So you had the lap done once already huh? Soon as AF shows for me, i'm calling my dr to see if I can get it done asap. I'm hoping after I do, we'll get pregnant on our own. Thats what my gut instinct is telling me anyways. So we'll see.

Hope everyone's having a good day!

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Steph WOW thats unbelievable. There really arent any words for that situation. I agree with you and hope that she does not get pregnant again. I hope that they baby she decided to "get rid of" comes back to a mother who really wants a baby and can take of a baby.

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Lisa - I'm sorry your struggling with your dad's death. I can't even imagine what that feels like. Ugh. I don't even like to think about it.

Speaking of which, my grandma is dying and I am going home this weekend to see her. She broke her hip last thursday, had surgery and has been since moved to hospice, is heavily sedated and unaware of her surroundings. The doctors apparently told my brother that they didn't even know if she would make it to this weekend. My grams has been struggling with dementia for several years now and has no clue who I am, but I still feel like I should go say goodbye. Plus my parents are on some spiritual voyage at a religious camp in northwestern washington and are not coming home to deal with this. I can't imagine why my dad doesn't want to be there while his mom is dying, but evidentally it's just too much to handle. My poor brother has been doing his best to help, but he's got three little girls to take care of. Not looking forward to this trip home, but I do feel like it's something I have to do.

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Lisa ~ Yes'm. Packing, I've gotten a LOT done now. A lot left, but it's going to happen. Still surreal.

Lisa(d) ~ Yeah, it really is disgusting in the true sense of the word. And aren't you excited? I'll be down there with you in a week!!!

I'm so sorry there are things going on with loved ones. I haven't even started to realize that my grandmother is gone, and it's been since April. Hopefully, being in her house and around her things, sitting at the vanity table I watched her roll her hair in very night when I was a little girl will help me begin to grieve. I'm so sorry y'all.

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Deanna - yes, I had a laperoscopy done shortly after I miscarried - I was so blessed to have a wonderful doctor who was the first one to trust me that I thought I had endo. He said that I had cysts surrounding my ovaries and severe scarring and lesions on the walls, so getting pregnant was close to impossible, and keeping a pregnancy was even less likely. I got pregnant a few months later with infertility. I guess if you have endo that it goes away pretty much with being pregnant, so my dr. now said that there is a chance it has come back, so she doesn't want to use up the rest of the treatments that my insurance will cover before covering all of our bases. (I switched doctors because my first one no longer works as an ob/gyn).

Well, FUS went well this morning. One follicle is 16.2 and the other is 22.3. She gave the hcg this morning and i go in tomorrow afternoon for the insemination. Fingers crossed!

Stacey - I hope all your cramping is a good sign!!! Are you taking progesterone medication as well? Fingers crossed for you!!!

Emily - do your cycles typically go this long? I wonder if you shouldn't go in for some bloodwork?

JJ - are you doing iVF next cycle? We should start an adoption thread somewhere on here too - We are going to start the adoption process as soon as we use up the rest of the treatments our insurance will cover (four more rounds of iui)

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Hi goils! Thanks for the thoughts during my hysteroscopy. So the next step I guess is clomid with IUI. The doctor has no explanation for my bleeding, but Deanna had a pretty good idea of having endo outside my uterus, but I guess for now, it remains unexplained.

Lisa ~ I'm thinking about you *hugs*

Em ~ I'm sorry about your grandma *hugs*

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Mel~ I'm glad you're doing ok.

Em~ So sorry about your grandma. I know it is so hard. ((hugs))

Missy~ Glad all is on track for you.

Lisa~ Hope you have a nice visit with your mom. I know what you mean about looking around to see people who have it worse than you do... sometimes I feel very guilty when I am sad about all this IF mess because I have SO MANY blessings in my life. I need to focus more on what I do have, rather than what I don't. (hugs)

JJ~ It is a big step. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have as you start the ivf journey.

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Lisa~ Oh, I'm so sorry about tomorrow. My dad died April 20th, 1994 and whenever that day rolls around I am just so sad. It is unbearable sometimes how much I miss him. I hope you get through tomorrow ok. (((hugs)))

Em~ I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. Both of mine have passed . Luckily DH has a wonderful grandma who I've basically "adopted." I totally call her grandma!

Lauren~ I hope you're doing ok. Counting your blessings is a good idea, I can't begin to imagine how hard things have been for you. Keep hanging in there. (((hugs)))

Missy~ Sounds like things are progressing nicely! Good luck!

Stacey~ I hope the cramping is a good sign! I can't wait to hear about your BFP. (thinking positive thoughts for you!) And that video was SOO sad.

Steph~ Glad you are getting some packing done! I wanna come hang out in Florida with you!

Hi to everyone else!

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Missy- No progesterone. She said that the hCG trigger will help with the lining and the fact that I had 3 follies that are now CLs are probably producing a lot of progesterone.... my temps are sure high... so I believe it! If I get a BFP, I'll request the progesterone test with the beta.

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Stacey~I hope these are all good signs that you have.

Lauren~Thanks, I pm'd you.

Missy~Not next cycle, but soon. We have to decide on a clinic (my current one is expensive) and then start the process. So it will be a few months more. That's ok though. If I got pg, I want to be pg over the summer, when I'm not at work, and a few more months would bring me to a summer baby.

Emily~I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. I was with mine when she died a couple of years ago and it was an awful time, but I am so glad I was there. It's hard to explain, but at the exact moment that she passed away, I felt something in my heart, like peace or something. There's really no words to describe it, but it was comforting. I'm so glad I was there.

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Em- Sorry to hear that. My grandmother was pretty much in the same boat just before she passed.

Lisa- Those darned anniversaries are rough. I'm sorry. But in some ways, I think it's good to once a year reflect on our loved ones, too.

Mel- I liked Deanna's endo idea, too. But I was also curious if you could have adenomyosis. it's like endo, but occurs in the uterine walls. Most people don't know they have it without a hysterectomy. Not saying that's the treatment, just how they normally accidentally find out.

Missy- Good luck tomorrow!

JJ-. That is so powerful about your gma's death. Everyone thought I was so calloused when I would say I was happy for gma that she finally got to go. But she was in such bad shape, I was beginning to have doubts about merciful deities.

Karyn-Yeah, I've heard Lupron has that effect on the libido....darn yucky drug that is, in some ways.

I'm convinced my body doesn't want to be PG-at least not this cycle. I hate my body . I'd take it back and upgrade, but I know they won't give me much for the trade in.

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Thanks ladies for all of your well-wishes! I am not feeling optimistic for some reason, but maybe that is just helping me cope with the wait.

For all of you struggling with this process - you are in my thoughts and prayers. I remember that empty feeling before I got pregnant with AJ and all the months wondering if all the work and emotional battles would ever result in anything other than pain and sorrow - and now I have this beautiful little boy who is loved more than should be allowed. I know not everybody is as lucky as I have been, but just for that chance, I would do it all over again (well, and I am in a way ) *hugs*

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I posted this on the TTC side, but felt the need to post it here too.....


*sigh*

I go to the specialist on Friday. I have to go see a specialist. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to feel, or where to put these emotions, or what these emotions even ARE. I feel like I am standing in a room full of people, screaming "help me" at the top of my lungs and NO ONE is listening. (not meaning you guys, just an example, trying to sort stuff out in my head)

J tries to be understanding, but his attempt at that is telling me to quit comparing myself to other people and just wait and see what the doctor has to say.

He just doesn't understand, and I can't fault him for that, because he is after all, only a man. I love him, and I want to be able to have his children, and I am completely TERRIFIED that it won't be a possibility. And I don't know what to do with that fear. I have tried turning it into something constructive and using it to gear my will to fight and figure out what's wrong with me, but it keeps coming back to knock me on my butt.

I am absolutely TERRIFIED that they are going to run all these tests and cost me an arm and a leg, and they are going to turn around and say, "oh there's nothing wrong, just a run of bad luck...just keep trying." I don't know if I can handle that.

I want so badly to be a mother.....I've never wanted anything more in my life. I can't seem to go one minute today without my eyes welling up with tears at the fear that there is no hope for me. And that's a VERY real possibility.

**VENT ON** And I am so so SO sick and freakin tired of people saying, oh, don't worry, it will happen when the time is right. Just quit thinking about it and it'll happen.....you know what?!?!?! F*@& THAT!!!!! I CAN'T quit thinking about it! It consumes my EVERY though, and it's NOT just like a light switch that I can just turn off! I just want ONE person IRL to understand and freaking comprehend what I feel. And I know that will never happen.

My own freaking mother told me to stop worrying about it, and it would happen when the time was right. And that going to this specialist is kind of early in the process, because we haven't actually been trying. You know what mom..............................I lost 3 children with this man....I'm NOT willing to lose anymore! And that doesn't even mention the miscarriage that I had with my ex.

What if all the tests come back normal? What if there's nothing that they can do? Am I destined to never become a mother? Joe deserves more than that. He's going to be SUCH a good father....he deserves to be one, and what if I can't give him that?

I don't know how much more I can take..........I feel like I am seriously at the end of a very short rope......................

Sorry this is so long......I'm going to take my crying butt to bed..................

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Jen - Every word that you said made perfect sense and you have every right to think/wonder those things. You're right, people IRL don't get it unless they have personally experienced it. As far as your appointment, know that you're going there to get help and to hopefully get some answers. It's a pretty big pill to swallow - just walking through the door. I only hope that you have a nice doctor who is sympathetic/empathetic to your situation. My guess is, you will. It is their job to figure out what is wrong and how to 'fix' it. Trust that there is an answer out there for you and that you will have a baby to hold. {{hugs}}

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http://rchiprean.abmp.com/index.html

Jen - First I want to say that you are not alone. I know every person's struggle is different, but what you are going through I have been through. Every fear you have, every emotion you're processing, I have been through. I don't know how else to say this, but it does get easier. My doctor couldn't tell me what is wrong with me. It was the biggest, most painful blow to me of this entire 30+ months of TTC. I did not think I would be able to recover from someone essentially saying "sorry, keep trying", which is exactly what he said.

There are moments when I'm still consumed and overwhelmed by the idea of not having a family. Moments when I wish I could just trade in this body, where it's almost suffocating to me. But it doesn't rule me anymore. It's always there in my head, always wondering if maybe this is the month it will happen, but I've found ways to be happy and to remember that first and most importantly my marriage should be #1. Not only does my DH deserve to be a daddy, but he deserves a wife who isn't so consumed with her own feelings of failure that she can't even feel love for him anymore.

Hopefully your doctor will have an answer for you, but if he doesn't, it doesn't mean you'll never be a mom. It just means it might take a little longer, it might hurt a little more. Until the day they say that they DO know what's wrong with you and it CAN'T be fixed, there is always hope.

Big hugs. And lots of hope.

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Temp drop today so the steady decline to AF begins

I'm really starting to worry too because we only have 1 cycle of clomid alone b4 I got to the RE... my problem is that I don't know if DH will be able to get out of work to donate samples at the drop of a hat. What is the likelihood that an RE will be okay with maybe injectables and timed BDing????

Sorry that I haven't replied to anyone but I just don't know what the next step can be and I'm feeling really down about it.

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