Cassie~ I LOVE the pictures of Rhylee and Marissa!

Dana~ YAY for progesterone levels! Sounds good!

Jen~ We have a kittle life vest for Mallory (the maltese). Dh is embarassed for her to wear it . He thinks it is ridiculous.

__________________

Betsy ~ No he's not home.

I'm feeling very battered. He's crazy -- doing everything possible to burn it all to the ground. I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm absolutely sick inside. Going crazy. Not well. Literally have a dull pain in my abdomen almost all the time. I refuse to believe this is my life. There's so much that's happened...even more than I've had the strength or courage to tell. Guess that's one of the reasons I've stayed away from talking about a lot of it...if I talk about it, it's real, and I can't handle it being real.

I'm worried about his health. But oh well. I also did a little research the other day, and I think part of the thing that has happened is that he's having some drug interaction problems, along with inconsistantly taking them...life is a gigantic cluster f#$%. Not the least of which on the list of side effects is episodes of psychosis, confusion and memory loss, rebound hypertension... Again I tried to talk to his doctor, and again, they can't be bothered. Stupid drug dealers...I should report that place. I don't know who to report them to. I told him the other day that if he died before we made things right, my last breath would be one of regret. Which is kinda the point I've been trying to get across to him for a long time: if this is how it all gets left, we will forever be broken people.

I'm facing down what to do about the house -- remember we had put a little money down and were going to lease for a handful of months and then look again at the options. I finally stomached calling the broker yesterday, and come to find out a student loan I had deferred came out of deferrment a few months ago (my brain has been total oatmeal), and my credit score has CRASHED. Just having to think about what I wanted to do, not knowing what the future will hold has been agony. I've been putting it off for months. I finally had a little 'rush' of "ok, self, I have to live somewhere, I'm not going to quit my job and go live in a box", and decided that I could afford the house myself regardless of him, and I get kicked in the teeth with that.

I'm never speaking to my sister again - if you can't trust someone during your most critical times, you can't trust them at all. She had major bull-in-china-shop disease the other day, and wouldn't stop, even when I told her she had no clue what she was yakking about and needed to just stop.

I really don't know how I'm managing to function. Several melt-down's last week, left work early twice. I stayed in bed almost 24 hours Saturday night to Sunday. A couple of tylenol pms and a beer helps make that happen... :P

I'm not running around plotting ways to off myself (usually. Don't worry, I'm too chicken anyway), but I have prayed for death a few times. How much pain can one body handle? I wish someone would lock me up, at least they'd give me the good drugs and I could get away from it all for a little while.

Sorry, I know how much fun it's been to hang out with me in the past six months.

__________________

Heidi - The monitoring is why I switched drs. 4 months is good compared to my previous dr. that gave me 12 months of Clomid with progesterone checks only!! I felt like I was playing with fire!!

__________________
Dana

Dana-Wow. That is crazy. I would of switched too considering everything I've read on clomid. The only thing that makes me feel ok with it is this RE has been in the business of doing this a long time and I do trust he knows what he's doing (even though he wouldn't go ahead with an IUI right now like I wanted )

Steph - ((((HUGS)))) I wish there was something I could do or say to help you.

__________________

I know Robin, me too. I can't tell y'all...it's possible that it has been the littlest word from one of y'all that has kept me from jumping off that bridge in the past six months.

I actually sat there last night, in bed, not sleeping, and thought about what I would say at his funeral. It's something I've always been very afraid of with him. The basic theme is that this creature is the personification of tragidy. He's damaged. He lives in fear, and has spent his life spinning an eloborate web, this enormous structure of self, to keep those fears from being seen, even by him. He is largely successful. But not with me. I thought the security that came with me would be enough... The profound nature and depth of 'us' opened places in him that were blindingly beautiful, and stunningly dark. The cracks started to really show towards the end of last year, I thought it was a good thing that he would finally used the word 'angry' in reference to his own emotions. Little did I know, it was going to be an avalanche. Pandora's Box. Unfortunately, it looks like the darkness is going to win the battle of the soul. I'll suspect I'll carry guilt of it to my own grave. If he could master the fear for the split second it would take to truly put out his hand... He is his own worst enemy. And he could be his own salvation. I know it all sounds dramatic like this. It is. It really is. It's scary and it's huge. What I wouldn't give to feel like I had less understanding and less responsibility in the world. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense. And if it's not, then that's what I need to believe to live with it. Because I can't believe someone I love like this, so profoundly, since the second before we met, could be blindly hateful. I just won't.

I had to stop myself last night because I was starting to cry too hard. And sobbing really hard all by yourself sucks, so...

I'm babbling. Again. I have so much work to do.

__________________

Steph - (((HUGS))) You can come visit me if you want to.

__________________

Betsy-Looking forward! I could use a big squeeze right about now.

Dana-Glad you explained things to DH and he kinda gets it. And yay to great prog levels!

Steph-((hugs)) Hang in there honey.

Heidi-You're on a roll aren't you! Yay!

Cassie-Thanks. Me too.

So I got the Methotrexate shot this morning and let me tell ya', I don't remember my a$$ hurting as much the last time! Felt like it was gonna fall off or something! Anyways, now I have at least three months to regroup and come up with another plan. I know I have to get another HSG (this time I'm asking for some pain meds!) and make the RE appt. I was wondering if they would do u/s monitoring to see which side I'm gonna ovulate from so that DH and I could avoid if it's the bad side. That's the only other alternative I see other than IVF. I know my dr will frown on me if I get pg and it turns out to be another ectopic.

I'm debating whether or not to go shopping. I think some retail therpay might do me some good. Especially since alcohol is out of the question.

__________________

Snowie - sorry that shot was such a pain in the a$$! But seriously, I'm so sorry you had to have that again. I'm glad you've thought of some plans. Go shopping!

__________________

I was thinking of all the money I've spent in the last 18 months on TTC. Let's assume I've:

Peed on $15 worth of sticks every month - $270
Paid 10 co-pays for various procedures and ultrasounds - $350
Paid co-insurance on 6 ultrasounds - $240
Purchased progesterone suppositories - $50
Purchased 3 months of Clomid - $90
Baby aspirin, preseed, prenatals - $100
Had 100 drinks for all the depression involved - $400
Indulged in retail therapy to feel better - $1000

That's like $2500 in 18 months and NO BABY, and not even any exciting procedures. Plus I know there were several months I peed on more than $15 worth of sticks, between OPKs and HPTs.

I should have just taken a trip to tahiti.

PS, Snowie I definitely recommend retail therapy. Shoes, purses and make-up.

__________________

Steph ~ You cannot feel guilty. Everything you've done for him has been with good intentions and there is no telling where he would be without you (I think you know that would be 6 ft under). Just like you said, he will have to be his own salvation. It isn't your job to save him. I worry so much that you will lose yourself in this process, and fear you may have already. Take care of you, please, for all of us here. I think it would be really therapeutic for you to start on that book. Those nights you can't sleep, start writing. Who knows, when your done you may want to dedicate it to Danny and maybe it will help him see his life, your life, through YOUR eyes. (((hugs)))

Snowie ~ I'm so sorry you had to get that shot. ouch too! Since you didn't get to go to Vegas and you can't have drinks, I say indulge in some retail therapy! I strongly agree that you need an RE.

Emily ~ Have you added that list to the costs thread? I haven't looked, if not you should. That way newbies to IF will be able to see what IF can cost even without the fancy procedures.

Snowie~ I am so sorry you had to go through that, again. ***hugs*** How do you feel about ivf?

Em~ OUCH. I know it is ridiculous how much we pay for something that comes so easily to some...

Steph~ Hang on to yourself... you have so much to offer, and you WILL get out of this mess. I'm sorry it isnt getting any easier for you. **hugs**

__________________

Em - You made me laugh about the drinks and retail therapy!! That is so true how all the costs just add up in a hurry and we really haven't gotten any "specialized" treatment! I would also have to add in there the $250.00 CBEFM and sticks for that at about $10/month, I do that on top of the OPKs!! One thing I ran across today, I work with Flexible Benefit Plans and you can be reimbused for pregancy tests and OPKs through your medical reimbursement account...in the case that anyone has one.

Steph - Hang in there dear. Better days are sure to be coming your way. Kayla is right...you cannot change or control what he does or says. You must take care of yourself at this point.

Snowie - Sorry about the icky shot.

__________________
Dana

Thanks y'all. I have tears in my eyes.

I know in my head the take-care-of-myself thing, but I don't know what that means. I'm so confused all the time, and I want to dig a hole, crawl in, and disappear. I did loose myself, a long time ago. He was the only thing that could find me, and he did, from time to time. It's a big burden to be on someone's shoulders, I guess, but I took him on mine too. Now, without that, I'm completely lost. I don't want to go to the therapist I'd been seeing -- she didn't know what to do with me, and it is something adding to my anxiety level, instead of the reverse. Nothing can help me with this. I'm either going to survive, sanity and self intact, or not.

I told him something very similar last night on the phone, about I can't make him want this. I get lost because sometimes, I'm speaking so purely to him, sometimes, I'm speaking with manipulation - well-intentioned as it might be - to try for a response from him that will make a difference, or flip a switch.

He has to fall down. All the way. And it's either going to make a difference, or it's not. It's physically excruciating, the thought of him bottoming out totally -- I can't even imagine what that looks like. It might look like death. Not much chance of recovery there. I know it's not my FAULT, but I also did accept responsibility for him, for better or worse. I don't know what taking care of myself and doing what I need to do is.

I'M afraid that my choices are: broken in spirit VS broken in beliefs. Neither good. Both change you. I can't even see anymore...the water is so muddied, that I don't know which way to turn. I don't even know what the right thing is now. It's agony to think that it might be to fight my way through my own pain alone for a little while, know that he's going to fall on his ass in a big way, and if I'm there, he's just going to take me out on the way down. But then there's the other side which believes a true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

It's the kind of person that I am, and have always been. One weird thing about my life I didn't include in my little montage the other day: I have had a gun pulled in my face. Most people don't know how they would really react to that; I do. It was quite unexpected, by an aquaintance, when I was about 18. He opened his front door, which we had knocked on, and pointed it right at us. I stepped in front of my best friend who was beside me, simultaneously pushing the gun to the side and yelled at her to go to the car. There are things that happen to you in your life which tell you things about yourself. Call it stupid, call it selfless, call it protective, call it...I don't know. I'm not sure even what the point of that story was, other than to tell about my instinctual drive to put myself in the way if a loved one is in danger, no matter the cause. How do you change an instinct? Even if it's one that's dangerous for you, how do you even know if it's changed other than to face the situation down and see if you react differently?

I'm so confused. I'm also way too 'cerebral'.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a mine-field, and I can't see the flags where the mines are anymore. I don't know what to do.

__________________

Snowie ~ I'm really proud of the attitude you're showing. I don't know where you found it, or if it's a little fake-it-til-you-make-it therapy, but I just am.

Like my blinkies? I have lots of them. I change them all the time. I wish there was more room... :P

__________________

Dana, you can get reimbursed for HPTs through the benefits program? I wonder if that's all medical savings account programs. Hmm. I'll have to look into it, though I don't think I can do a new one until next July.

__________________