Thanks for letting me vent and validating my feelings. I know you guys of all people know what it's like and have the same feelings. It doesn't make us bad people for not wanting to be around kids or hearing about those pg, giving birth etc. It is the realisation that it still isn't us. I want my turn Damn it!

Lauren-Good luck with the strat of the IVF cycle!

Snowie-I hope those pee sticks are getting darker because there's actually a sticky bean there!

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Hey everybody.

Snow ~ Holding my breath for the best possible news.

Betsy ~ You know, one of the amazing things about you is that you can fall apart so spectacularly, and recover so famously. I hope that doesn't sound weird. :P It's comforting to me. Not the part about you having things that make you fall apart...oh hell, you know what I mean.

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Cassie, I have finally gotten to a point where it doesn't hurt me to see babies anymore. It took me awhile. I understand why pregnant women and family members would be hurt for being treated badly by someone who isn't pregnant, but I think it also takes some understanding to realize how unbelievably devastating it is to not be able to have a child of your own.

Think of how much you love your little girl. Think of how you ache to see her while you're at work during the day. Now imagine that she never existed, and that as far as you could tell she never would. We see the bond between a mother and child, and we don't have that.

It is beyond jealousy. It's an ache. It's like being starved while your neighbor is feasting. It's painful sometimes. It sometimes makes you want to give up on EVERYTHING, not just baby-making. There are still moments when I have to collect myself and not go off the deep end when I realize I have had three miscarriages. Three. Three babies that never got to be born. Three little smiles I'll never see. Three first words I'll never hear. Three graduations, marriages, grandchildren, I'll never experience. And with no promise of the situation ever changing, I have to accept that maybe I'll never get to experience those things. There's a chance I'll be starving my whole entire life. And it isn't really about the pregnant woman, it's about our way of dealing with grief, trauma, sadness. I don't wish miscarriage or infertility on anyone, but sometimes I wish women who conceived without a struggle could truly understand the hurt.

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Thank you Em.

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I think there is a difference between IF women who are MEAN to others because of their feelings in dealing with IF, and IF women who attempt to avoid the pain of being around babies. It has NOTHING to do with not wanting others to be happy, but rather a void and pain within ourselves.

Em~ I think you said that well.

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You're right Lauren, there's never really an excuse to be mean. Some people take avoiding christenings or birthday parties as "mean" though. I also think there are people who know that you're struggling, and don't make any attempt to be sensitive to that fact. It's not always intentional, but it still hurts. Like anyone who has said to me "your body must be telling you something" should get a smack-down as far as I'm concerned.

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Em, Lauren - I'm in on the Thank yous!

I can't say that I am out right mean but at times I feel like the pregnant lady knows I am avoiding her. If I do talk to her I don't ask about the pregnancy, I don't want to know. I don't say mean things or even wish mean things on them...it is just an ache as Emily put it. A pity party in a sense. Call it sad, call it miserable, call it what ever you want it is reality for IF women.

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Dana

Emily - Well put.

Lauren - Yes, there is a huge difference. I actually held my nephew last night, but I just wasn't in the mood, so I passed him off to my brother. When I was with the kids last month, I held Samuel for a long time and it didn't bother me. I think part of my mood had to do with the fact that I had the dogs with me and they weren't allowed in the house because of Ben's allergies and I was there to 'visit', but was outside alone - so it really wasn't about not wanting to be around them, I guess.

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http://rchiprean.abmp.com/index.html

Emily - I am sitting here in tears after reading what you wrote. Thank you what you wrote really made me understand how hard it would be.

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Rebecca~ Yes, I think we react differently based on the situation too... I know I do. Some days I am emotionally better than others.

Robin~ Thanks so much for your understanding!

{{{GROUP HUG}}}

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No I know...I'm not saying you girls are "mean" to anyone, I'm just telling you about how she is. Like for instance when her SIL announced her pregnancy, understandably she was upset, but instead of going through the emotions with her dh or at home, she went to a family christmas party with her face all red and swollen from crying. I agree, had she just 'avoided' the situation, it would not have been mean. I wasn't trying to compare her to any of you. Trust me you girls are not like her. Also I didn't mean that I seen that any of you had done something inappropriate. I was on the TTC side too and I had friends getting pg that weren't trying and my stomach did flip flops too and I wanted it to be me.

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Thanks Robin. You're always such a wonderfully caring and sensitive woman. I made myself cry too!

Cassie, I guess I can even sort of relate to her in some ways. I sobbed uncontrollably when I had to go see my nieces last summer right after my miscarriage. I couldn't help it. I had to see my family, but seeing them was just unbearable. Now if that woman said nasty things to someone, well that's not acceptable in my book. I love your new sig by the way. She is just adorable!

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((((HUGS))))

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Em ~

In this same line of thought, I was standing in line to pay a bill yesterday, and the baby of the woman in front of me was staring at me (I get that a lot from babies). He was about 8 months old. I felt the knee-jerk reaction to steel myself and turn away, but then I caught myself. I stopped. And I turned back and smiled and wiggled my fingers at him. I was in line at another store, and the lady in front of my had a 7 wk old. He started to fuss, and so I talked to him, and told him that there was no fussing alowed during shopping. He perked right up and raised his eyebrows and got all animated. And I touched his little head -- which felt like baby chicken feathers.

I was pretty proud of myself. Another little (big) hurdle jumped.

Still making progress with DH. Has some 'loose ends' to tie up. I'm anxious, but I'm giving it all I've got to float along. I'm exhausted. I'm also leaving to go to the doc in a few minutes (anxiety attacks and script for physical therapy). Yay.

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It may sound weird, but even though I'm pg I still habor ill feelings towards those that got pg and make comments like, "Oops! Hubby looked at me and I got pg again." Its not cute to me and its definitely not funny. It still makes me mad that there is such a thing as infertility because I've gone through it and have seen many others suffer through it as well.

It didn't take me quite as long as some on here and I thankfully have not experienced a miscarriage but I still worked damned hard for this baby. And I worked damned hard to keep this baby in the very beginning. And to know I will have to go through that again maybe just as long or longer, and fight just as hard or harder to keep my next baby makes me very angry towards those who take it for granted that they will never have those problems. Even when Im on other message boards and I see someone with the screen name as "Fertile Myrtle" on pg boards, it fires me up.

I definitely think being able to experience a pregnancy and hopefully be able to have my child will make me an outsider on some circles. But when push comes to shove I will forever defend those and stand up for those who are and have experienced infertility.

EDIT: My post wasn't intended to sound like I was defending myself against anyone.. was just my way of saying I understand and that part of me will always stay on this side of TTC.

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Cristina, we all know and appreciate what you've been through, and I don't think anyone harbors any anger or ill will towards you, or any ladies on this site. I don't think you are an outsider, you just graduated

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Em- I can relate to how you feel about your miscarriages. While I can't imagine going through loss that many times, when I had my ectopic I was devastated and stayed away from my friends for months. I actually lost a lot of friends because of it.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of my little Mason (It's odd that my now step son is the name of the son I lost) and wonder what my life would be like if I had him in it.

Not a moment goes by when I don't have to hold back tears. Do I consider the child I'm carrying my first child? Or my first born? I can't consider this child my first because she's not. Mason was my first he's just not here with me. I love my little girl too and can't wait to hold her in my arms....but it still hurts. I don't know how to handle the pain I still feel over Mason while I'm carrying this baby.

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