As I begin to research the option of donor eggs, I thought I would start a thread to post information in. It will help me to have it all in one place to refer back to. Anyone who has any other input, information, or experience with DE, feel free to post here!

__________________

I am very torn about this subject... if you tell your child that they were conceived via donor egg, or not. To tell, or not to tell?

Center for Genetics and Society*:*Sometimes, it's hush-hush over donor eggs

Quandary on Donor Eggs: What to Tell the Children - New York Times

__________________

I didn't have a chance to read the articles yet, but my gut answer is 'no', no until they were much older. It's different than say, an adopted child, and conceptually WAY too complicated for a childs brain to understand, to me. But then again, something that might really confuse a pre-teen or totally spin a teenager.

However, I guess without putting any real emotive thought in yet, from a genetic informative standpoint, I'd be sure to leave genetic info in some sort of lock-box with an attorney with a will, "in the event of", until the child was told.

All just knee-jerk reaction stuff...then again, there is ALWAYS a way to explain things to a child, and they take things in so purely, that you can plant a tiny seed for much greater understanding later, and totally circumnavigate any craziness.

I don't know. I can see it from so many ways now that I start to think...

And I have absolutely NO information to add to the discussion.

__________________

When we were in counseling over the Donor issue the book "Helping the Stork" was reccomended to us. I can send it to you if you'd like. Right now it's up in the attic but once we put away the Christmas stuff it'll be back in my book case and I can send it to you.

It was an awesome book even though it's coming from a donor sperm angle really it talks about Donor insemination as an overall topic. The medical, legal and emotional aspects.

Some of the emotional decisions are the same. Whether to tell the child, friends, family. Possible family medical issues. I did cord blood for Jonathan and I probably would again and definately would if it was a child from Third Party

It would be hard for me to keep such a secret from EVERYONE. And if I told one person then I would have to tell the child. Carlos disagrees he wouldn't want to tell anyone. But I wouldn't be able to carry that with me for the rest of my life. I think if we had used his brothers sperm I would have an easier time keeping the secret.

The same with the artificial reproduction, Carlos would never want his child to know. But if I conceived a child that way I would be proud of letting them know the lengths we went through to get that child here once they were old enough to understand.

edit to add after Steph's post: It really depends on the level of maturity of the child. Jonathan was 9 1/2 when we started the inseminations and he knew of them and he asked the questions, if he was made the same way. And his response was Did you want me just as bad? Which of course I answered yes. It's one of those things that I think you have no choice but to play it by ear.

__________________

Lauren~ those were good articles...and they brought up a lot of good points. I was thinking about you last night and wondering what I would do in your situation...and last night I thought that if I had DE then we definitely keep it very private and probably tell no one. Cause like the article said...some people feel that if everyone knows then they'll feel more obligated to tell the child eventually. So if we kept it just between us then I probably would never tell the child. BUT...then I read those articles and I had never thought about the possibility of half siblings meeting one day and falling in love and marrying each other...of course I'm sure the chances of that happening are slim...and then of course there's the genetic factors with family history of diseases and such. So I don't know...I can definitely see both sides. I think I still kind of lean towards not telling though. It's something that could always be brought up later in the child's life if necessary. Sorry I'm writing so much...it's a lot to think about and consider. And I'm sure that the possibility of this exact situation has crossed the minds of many of us. In fact...I've been thinking a lot lately of how far I'm willing to go in this journey. At this point...I'm really not sure yet. Sorry if I've confused you even more. I'm definitely thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way!

__________________

Betsy ~ TOTALLY agree. My major experience with talking to children a/b big time life stuff comes from the batch of friends my goddaughter had when she had cancer. She was in treatment for over two years, and she was diagosed at 6. There was a group of four of us who's kids had grown up together, six of them, all girls except for the littlest; he was an infant still. At that point (the diagnosis), the oldest in the group was 6.5yrs, my Shyann being the second in line at just 6, then there was an almost 6yr old (those two were like peas-in-a-pod), an almost 4yr old, a 3yr old, and the baby. The 3yr old was Shyann's sister, my youngest goddaugter. At the end of the illness, they then ranged from almost 9yrs down to almost 3yrs. They had ALL been to at least one of her doctors appointments, they had all been in the hospital visiting her. They had all seen her through the ups and downs. They had all seen blood and IVs, hair loss. Vision loss. It was a terrifying and amazing time.

We learned a lot about what you can and can't tell them, how they take it in a process it, what it does to them and for them, and how much MORE they can understand than we typically give them credit for, albeit on their own individual level, like you were saying Betsy, and only the amount of information the particular child is comfortable with. We were fascinated at the different kinds of questions that came from the different kids, and how we all learned to deliver information or handle situations differently with each child, as necessary.

Towards the beginning, Shyann's best friend (the one only a few months younger than her, and the older sister of the infant boy) Shelby, came over to spend the night, and Shelby's dad (my best friend Gail's DH) was really nervous a/b how Shelby was going to cope. I think he told Shelby to not ask any questions (so as not to make Shyann feel bad), but the second "frick-and-frack" were alone together, the conversation began (between the 6-going-on-30 year olds). Since before that, I had told Shyann in general to talk about whatever she needed, to whomever she needed, to answer any questions the best she could, and to get me if there were any she couldn't answer.

It wasn't 5 minutes before she came to get me, and I sat on the futon with the two girls and, led by Shyann, helped her answer the questions at hand. They all handled the whole thing like champs and amazed us every step of the way.

Anyway, I know this isn't too relevant, and I've been tripping down this memory lane for a few days now, so it just tumbled out. Those girls were MINE for nine years and then in a matter of a few weeks, my life was upside down, and I never saw them again. And even though it will be five years this July since I last held her, I know she's alive because of me, just as if I had grown her myself. People talk about soulmates, but they generally only mean it in the romantic sense. That little girl was my soulmate. We were meant to be together, at least for the (almost) 9 years that we were. I think of that adoption credo about 'you grew not under my heart, but in it' when it comes to her.

Anyway, that was a TOTALLY different situation, where they were all faced with something that HAD to be dealt with, a health crisis, and how their lifes changed because of it. So it's way different. We learned a lot about the different children and what type of info they each desired. We learned about the purity children take in thoughts with. How you have to work hard to boil something down to its essence in order to explain it. We also talked about how lucky they were going to be as they aged, having faced the concept of mortality and major disability (she was almost blind for a while until several eye surgeries) and illness with the purity of a child's mind. How they would never be people to be mean to someone with some type of physical diability or ailment -- as they had been on the inside.

So, I'm babbling again. *sigh* And hijacking Lauren's thread. Sorry.

__________________

I actually knew someone who "donated" her eggs. She was very pretty, in college tried not to smoke or drink before they did they egg retrival. Although she did get paid, she really wanted to help someone. I hope that helps.

__________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

I think DH and I are ready to move ahead with atleast filling out the paperwork for DE. We're still not making any decisions about what we will do, but the RE suggested we get the paperwork in, so they can start to look for someone just in case...

I have sat at my computer for the past few hours looking, stressing and obsessing over which pictures to submit for the application... one of DH and one of me. So stupid. It shouldnt be a big deal, but I keep wondering if it is a bad picture of one of us, then our baby wont look like either of us... or maybe the picture wont represent what we look like now..or maybe someone will think we look like something we don't... STUPID, I know...

Do I use a picture with blonde hair (what I have been most of my life) or brown hair (what I have now)? My natural color is probably somewhere between... ugh...

__________________

Lauren, what does dh's ex look like? I only ask because the kids favor dh so he must have strong genes. Will you be allowed to look through a book at pictures of the women and choose the one that favors you the most? My patient was able to do that and she picked a lady that looked a lot like her.

Kristy~ If we choose a donor through our RE's office, it is all anonymous, so I dont know how much we will get to see of her, or if the office just sets up matches, based on pics, medical history, interests, etc. If we choose a donor we know, it wont matter anyway. I have SO many questions, and will ask next time I have an appt.

As far as his ex, she has brown hair and kind of pointy features. I have a picture of her, but I dont want to post it on here. Maybe I will pm it to you, so you can have an idea. The kids do look MUCH more like dh, I think...

__________________

The clinic I used for IVF lists their available donors. You choose based on a variety of factors:
Available Egg Donors - Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago Illinois

Okay, maybe I sound goofy, I know this is a serious topic and all, but I think it is kind of cool to look through the list and see who I would choose from all the criteria! (I'm thinking #382 would be well suited as my match; I like the fact that she has green eyes b/c so does DH. )

__________________

I read this and thought it was beautiful, and I wanted to share.

"And now, I can say with the utmost certainty that I am glad I am an infertile. I mean no disrespect to anyone by saying that, and I mean this for one reason, and one reason only - if I hadn't taken this journey, the child in my arms would not be this child. And this child is the one that was meant for me, and I was meant for him. When I look at him, touch him, feel him - this child is MINE in every sense of the word. I am so beyond in love that I can't even begin to describe how I feel. He is everything. I am watching him sleep next to me right now, and he is just starting to stir, making those little grimaces and stretches, and my heart fills to bursting. I am truly the most blessed of women since my baby was able to ultimately find me in this journey."


from "My Eggy Journey" blog- November, 2006

__________________

Lauren and I have pm'd on this subject several times, but I thought I would share my experience here just in case it can help anyone else.

I think I am currently the only one on the site who has conceived via donated eggs. My story is this:

After several years of ttc, I went to an RE and found out that my FSH levels were very high (22), pre-menopausal at 35 yrs old. My chances of conceiving on my own were less than 2%. Dh and I were investigating embryo adoption through the "snowflakes" program, when my younger sister approached me with donating her eggs to us. We discussed it and thought of the pros/cons and then decided to do it.

In my situation there were some big positives: I would be biologically connected to my child and I would know all of the family medical history. Also my sister had a great perspective in that she looked at the situation as just "donating cells" and she told me it was "up to me to make them into a baby".

We did conceive and had a healthy, beautiful baby boy in October of 2007. His name is Matthew - "gift from God"- and he is as perfect as one can imagine him to be. He has my eye color and my long fingers/toes (my sister doesn't have either of these traits)!! He will be raised knowing his Aunt and his cousin.

I am his mother! I carried him for 9+ months, went through 2.5 days of labor and pushed for 4 hrs to bring him into this world! He belongs to me in every way a child can belong to his mother. I am his mother!

Looking back now, it doesn't matter to us HOW he was conceived, He is all that matters! With his little gummy smile and beautiful blue eyes, he has erased all the pain from my years of infertility. He is truly a gift!

While we are so thankful to my sister for her selfless act, we have all agreed to never speak of how Matthew was conceived. I don't see how any good can come of it. Besides, I am his mother!

Deciding to use donor eggs is not an easy one but it can offer hope where no hope can be found. Since I had a younger sister who donated her eggs to us, I cannot speak on the issues of anonymous egg donation. I do wish anyone considering egg donation all the best and hope that your ending is as happy as mine!

__________________

Thanks for sharing your story Rebecca! I am sure there are people here who may not have heard your experience before. I think so often there is a connotation with using DE that isn't always positive, and I am so thankful to have you to "look up to," since you have been through it and understand the emotions involved. I am sure I will pm you more as things progress! *hugs*

__________________

Lauren - I wish you all the best and thank you for posting that quote! I feel the same way, I was meant to be Matthew's mommy! PM me any time!

__________________