I could use some help/advice here. I'm feeling a little sad. After 3 months of trying to conceive #2, DH has decided he doesn't want to have another child. Last night, he informed me he likes things the way they are now and he feels another child would put just too much stress on us. He's a college professor (animal science) and says he understands my biological clock is ticking, propagation of the species, etc. etc. blah blah blah. I guess I really have no choice but to get over it. I suppose I should make an appointment with my OB/GYN to get a BC pill prescription. I don't want to have another child without his support. Any thoughts? How do I get over this? I can't help feeling sad and resentful towards him for making this decision on his own. However, it's not really the type of decision (to not have one) that you need both people to agree to. It only takes one person in a relationship to decide they don't want any more children. That pretty much shuts everything down. I feel so sad. For our first child, I was definitely more ready than he was. Then, all of a sudden, (sounds familiar) he was ready. Well, shoot, then I had to be ready too. For a second child, we had considered adoption. He was more receptive to that idea than I was. I don't have anything against it, I just felt it wasn't for me. When he found out how expensive and long the adoption process was, he seemed like he wanted to have another one of our own. That, like I said, was back in April. Looking back, I guess he wasn't really into it as much as I was, and, when it didn't happen right away like with the first child (getting pregnant, that is), he seemed less and less willing. Another fact I should mention would be the fact that I'm already 32 years old, and I kind of feel like, it's now or never. I can't really afford to wait this out for very long. He mentioned a few different factors: stress, less money, less attention for #1, college, etc., but they all seem like cop-outs to me. Like I said earlier, though, if he's not completely on board, then I guess I'll have to accept that.
Sorry this is so long. I guess I just needed for someone to hear me out.
Thanks.
-Natalie

Natalie - I agree, those 'reasons' do seem like cop-outs. I think you need to sit down and talk with him again about this. You can't go on having a healthy relationship with him if you're feeling resentment toward him because of this. Tell him how you feel - how you really feel. It's not fair to either of you.

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Natalie, I dont know if you talked before marriage about children but if you did and he agreed to more than one than you may need to remind him of that. I am not a believer in only children, I know a ton of people that have them and it works great for them but I have always wanted my kids to have the oppurtunity to learn interaction that will create life skills that only comes from siblings. Since your DH is a science man you may want to look at some of the studies that have been done to show that the biggest influence on childrens ability to deal with conflict resolution comes from sibiling. There was one recently in Time magazine that was really good.
The other thing my DH and I discuss on a regular basis is that since I do 95% of the child care it is really up to me to decide what I can handle. The finacial stuff always works itself out and the fact is in our family that if my oldest was an only child she would have a TON of preassure on her because I have so many aspirations for my kids, now I have hopes that all of my dreams will be met for them, but it may be one of the other kids.

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I think Lisa said it best. I hope you can work things out between you and your husband. Your oldest needs a sibling.

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You ladies really make a lot of sense (to me.) I just don't know what to say to convince him that this would be a good idea. He just isn't convinced that our son needs a brother/sister. He loves our son and is a wonderful father. He said that he feels a sibling would take attention away from DS and he doesn't want to do that to him. DH has four siblings, and he isn't close to any of them, so I think that's where his opinions come from. I have a younger sister, and we're fine with each other, but not extremely close, and he brought that up, too. (DS and his sibling, if we had one, would be four years apart, just like my sister and I.) What can I say to him? I know I can't make him change his mind, but I'd at least like him to think about it a bit longer.

When you speak to your Dh you need to help him change his thinking from doing something to your child to doing something FOR your child. Someday you and your Dh are going to be gone and if your son doesnt have a sibling he will have to deal with so many things on his own. Or when you are in a nursing home he wouldnt have anyone to help with that. I could go on for hours on all the reasons I feel it is so important to have more than one child but you really need to come up with the reasons that are important to you and then talk to your Dh from your heart.

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I did bring up the fact that when our son is older, it would be nice for him to have someone family-wise that he could rely on. My husband, though, didn't buy into that. Given his present relationship with his siblings (they aren't angry with each other, they just don't talk often at all), he doesn't see why someone would need a brother/sister for that reason. I could bring up the nursing home idea, but I think I already know what DH would say. When he gets that old, he says (now) that he doesn't want that burden on DS's shoulders. I don't know. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Maybe the 2 of you should go together to talk to a counselor. And maybe just b/c he says no now, doesn't mean he says no forever. I know you are worried a/b your age, but I think you've got a few more years that age is still on your side. Plus there are tons of women who are having babies on purpose even into their early 40s. Six months from now, he may feel differently. I wonder if the economy is something that is bothering him. Several of us have discussed how us or our DHs are worried a/b having/when to have #2 (or 3 or 4) b/c of the way the economy is right now.

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Lisa- Do you happen to remember the name of the Time magazine article or what issue the article was in? DH is into reading, so maybe if I present him with some facts, he would be more open to at least thinking about it.

Kelly- I know, I'm not terribly old, but I feel like now is the time to do it. I'm a teacher, and getting pregnant now would put the birth near the end of the next school year. I know you can't always plan these things, but I'd like to at least try. As for money, yes, the economy is getting bad, but, DH just got became a tenured professor at a major university with a little bump in pay. I think he's being selfish. He sees this extra money we have and wants to do some smart things with it (a new roof) but also wants to buy other things too (a boat.) How do I separate my selfishness and his?

Time Mag article

The New Science of Siblings - TIME

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N - I'm a teacher too, so I definately know a/b the planning the baby for the end of the school year. Another good time, IMO, is around Thanksgiving b/c you get the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, and miss 3 weeks or so of school in between. I was lucky enough that our baby didn't come when we "planned" it - she came at the end of the school year and I had 3 months with her. Right now we are sort of ttc#2, but b/c of me worrying a/b $ and projects I would like to do around the house and projects DH wants to do that all take $, I'm in a mind set where if it happens now, that's great - if not, we can work on some of these other things and try harder in the future (not sure if that will be in a couple of months or in a year)

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Thanks for the article- I found it, now I just have to read it and then have DH take a look at it.
With DH just getting tenure, and us having a bit of extra money, we've got some projects to do around the house as well. I thought he was in the mindset kind of like you- if it happens now, fine, if not, that's okay too. I didn't know when things started to go towards the "now I don't want another one." He keeps talking about tempting fate and "What if the second one isn't as good or as healthy as the first?" He's thinking, "If it ain't broke, why fix it?"

I too have wondered about tempting fate because I have 3 healthy happy girls but I know that if I were to have another that wasnt healthy I would love that child just as much. Your DH sounds like he is just not ready to have another baby as we all know that babies are a lot of work but they do grow so fast and get to a point where you can relax fairly quickly in the grand scheme of life. I find it a little wierd that he is not willing to take your feelings into account on such a huge decision+

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What a tough situation, but you have been given some great advice. I think the important issue here, is your Dh's wilingness to have an open conversation with you or even going to counseling to discuss it, instead of just saying "no, we're done" He may need to realize that the consequences of NOT having a child (long-term resentment and even depression on your end) could outweigh reasons for not having a child. I can't imagine there is any parent on this earth who would later regret having a child, even if they thought they didn't want any more. I've always heard, that you will never regret having another one, but that you may regret NOT having another one. Keep us posted on what happens.

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My dh was that way after #2. We had a boy and a girl and he was done. I REALLY REALLY wanted another baby and I started resenting the fact that he was making the choice for us. When the time came that I was ready to start trying, we were laying in bed one night and I told him how I felt and how much I really wanted another baby, that our family didn't feel complete to me and that I didn't think we would ever regret it. Jack is now 14 months old and the joy of our life! Neither of us can imagine life without him. Now, I will let you know in August if the same speech works again

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Well, after some thinking, and some attempts to discuss things with DH, I guess I've decided to let the baby thing go and just turn it all over to the Lord. Maybe it's just not in His plan for me to have another child. Maybe this is His way of telling me to turn my attention to something else, like the really awesome little boy I have right in front of me. I've tried talking to DH, and it just really isn't going anywhere, so, I guess for my own sanity, I've got to let it go.

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out with your DH. Sounds like there is some underlying issue that he is not willing to discuss. I agree with you in turning it over to God. I could go into a long winded "sermon" on why another child would be beneficial to your son but I think all of the other ladies have pretty much covered it all. I will mention one thing to you, since your DH is a biological science professor...you and you DH aren't even producing enough children to replace the two of you after you are both gone. If everyone decided to only have one child during the duration of their lives, our society would dwindle to nothing. I think that it is very important to have well-adjusted, morally instilled children in this day and time. Yes, the economy is in a slump but it is nothing like the great depression. I do hope that he comes through this phase and that the two of you can come to a happy medium. ((HUGS)) Keep your chin up and good luck!

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