Man....sounds like everybody is just having a craptastic day. Today can F off as far as I'm concerned.

I'm actually ok. I started spotting last night, and it was brown, and I tried to not worry about it, but I knew. Something inside me just knew. And it's weird.....when I got the blood work results back, I didn't even cry......Is that bad? *shrug* Maybe I've just gotten used to hearing crappy news, or maybe it hasn't sunk in yet, I don't know. I will go to this specialist and see what he has to say, and then I guess I will just go from there. There's nothing I can do about any of it at this point, other than go see the specialist.

But.........there is a part of me that's angry. This isn't fair. This makes #3 for me and Joe, #4 if you include the one I had when I was married to the a$$hat. What in the *!#* is fair about that? Not a damn thing. And then I think to myself that there are so many people out there who have had more, or can't get pregnant at all, and what am I complaining about. And then I get mad because there are so many others who have had more and can't get pregnant at all.

I honest to God am just ready to give up. I can't keep going through this. I know going to a specialist (I think they said he was a perinatologist....whatever that means) is going to hopefully help figure out what's wrong....but what if there is no answer? What if I'm just not built to carry a baby? How many more miscarriages can I emotionally stand to go through? I don't think many.

I don't know....I am babbling at this point....

Thanks for all the support....I'll keep you guys updated on what happens with the specialist

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Oh Jen, my heart is hurting for you. BIG HUGS

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Jen-I hate that you are going through this again. And as for crying, you are totally normal. I didn't cry until a few hours after hearing the news on the way home from the Dr.'s office.

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And then to top everything else off.....I just got off the phone with my mom. My grandma (mom's mom) went in to have surgery for what they thought was a hernia, and come to find out, she had a tumor the size of a football on her ovary that had also attached to her colon and small intestine. She's ok, they removed the ovaries and the tumor and the part of her colon and small intestine where the tumor was attached, and they think they got it all. So that's something else to add to my medical family history. I flipped out, started bawling, and then Joe called. I flipped out on him too. The poor guy is dealing with a half psycho person right now. I swear....the man must have nerves of steel to deal with me. I wouldn't deal with me very well....... That must mean it's love right? *weak smile* I seriously don't know how he puts up with me sometimes........ I suppose all I can do now is wait and see what this other doctor has to say.

I need to go to the store and get milk....and I really don't want to. I would rather curl up in a hole and not come out. But Joe has to eat, so.....I don't really have a choice.

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*Sigh* Jen, you have a new day in your world right now and I hope it is a good one for you. I'm so horrible with words but I wanted to say that I had really hoped that this would be it for you. *hugs*

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Jen~I'm not good with words either, but I wanted to say how sorry I am. I can't believe this has happened so many times. Hopefully the peri will find out what's wrong. I hope I'm not butting in here where I shouldn't, and I'm not sure where in Illinois you live, but if you're anywhere close to Wisconsin, I know some great peris here who I would recommend if you don't like the one you're going to. If I ever get pregnant again, I'm going right back to them.

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Back to school yesterday, so I'm gonna try to keep up. I'll probably miss something.

Steph - Uh, only $5??

Irene - LOL at the 'real beer'. I don't consider anything domestic 'real' - lite/light or not!! If it's coors brewing or anheuser busch - it's CRAP!

Jen - that's all I have right now and I know that words don't make it better.

Brandy - Wow, Iraq? Hopefully he won't be there too long. How are things going with the move??

JJ - How are you holding up?? I finally read about your test results {{hugs}}

Melissa - YAY to getting the SA results, but WTF is up with the school email?? I'm sure it must be from one of those other districts.

OK....brain freeze. I'll be back.

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Is it Friday yet?

DH and I had a nice dinner last night out in Parkville, MO, soo cute little town right next to the Missouri river. We went for a walk afterwards (something I can never get DH to normally do) and we talked a lot about not discussing our IF with anyone. I'm very open, DH is very private. I agreed that it doesn't ever help and that usually I'm more upset.

I also found out that DH also spent the $50 cash that night too!

I hope today is a new day for all of us,

Pill popping patty

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[center]Mary

Well guess what - I have a BFP to announce and of course its not my own. As if yesterday could get any worse right... well one of the friends I was bragging about being so supportive yesterday called to tell me that she's pregnant. I had thought she was going to start trying in the fall but they moved it up because her husband is having a pretty intensive surgery later this month... apparently they moved it up alot though since she's 3 months pg now.

Anyway, there's a small group of us that have been friends since college. I was in her wedding last year - I had actually just started trying a few months before that since I was married a little over a year before her. She was supposed to be in my wedding but ended up not making it since her fiance's father died the weekend before (my wedding was away and she couldn't travel to it and be here for the funeral at the same time). So anyway she knows everything I'm going through. I talk to her and another of the girls pretty frequently... they were the first "real life" people to know about my chemical because I was supposed to be getting together with them the night that I found out for sure my beta levels were going down. So anyway - she's due in January and since I would have been due in December that means that she got pregnant the month after my chemical. That hurt so bad.

She wanted to tell me first because we're getting together on Friday and she's going to announce it to the group of us then and she knew it would be hard for me. I started off by telling her it was good news and then after I asked the due date and started doing the calculations I could feel the tears and the hyperventilation starting so I just started rushing her off the phone. And then I started bawling. DH was very good - patting me and hugging me, etc. But at one point of course he said something stupid - I was saying how since we got married first and started trying first it would only be fair for us to be pregnant first. He said something like I was feeling left behind and I shouldn't because its not a race which was totally not the point!!!! I tried to explain how it feels to see firsthand how "easy" it should be... it should not be this hard!!! And its not like anything else in life where if you want something, you just have to work harder to get - I don't think there's anything I could do to work harder for this!!! I told him too how much it bothered me that because things haven't been working out for me, I'm not able to just be happy for her because there's so much sadness for me mixed in. Its so impossible to separate the emotions.

So yeah yesterday ended as bad for me as it began... I couldn't sleep I was just crying for most of the night. Now I have to gear myself up to see the lot of them on Friday. sorry this was entirely a me post and so long - I just had to get it all out and I will read up on everyone else later.

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Jen-it sounds like Joe is a real keeper. I am glad you have him to support you.

Irene-big *hugs* The timing of your friends PG really sucks. It's almost like all our pain and grief is triggered and we have to go through it again when we find out this kind of news.

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Oh Irene, what a truly horrible day. I am so sorry. HUGS

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Irene - I am so sorry. I am also dreading the day the my girls for our GNO group calls and announces all their 2nd. And I must admit you are working very hard for this, and I know it will pay off. And thanks again for your pill lesson, I'm so glad that you know what and how to do it, so I can learn it from you! Good luck tomorrow, be strong and remember we are all thinking aobut you!

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[center]Mary

Irene - I know it's hard, but one good thing about your friend is that she seems to be very concerned for you and your feelings. That's not something you get very often these days and it certainly doesn't make it any easier to handle. I believe that we're all here, in this infertility world, for a reason. We will all learn, live differently than others and have a full understanding of what it is like to know people who genuinely care about us and our feelings (not that our 'home' friends don't, but it's not the same). I also think that this IF journey that we are all on will allow us to have a greater respect for life and love for the babies that we will eventually carry.

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Ok, first and foremost: I want to say to Jen and Irene-Don't apologize. That is what we are all here for is to support each other. And oddly enough, even when someone posts an "all about me" post, it helps me to know that someone else has the exact same thoughts as I do.

That being said, for the love of God, I just wish I could hug you all.

Jen- I'm so sorry. It's not fair. It's just not. I don't think there was anything "wrong" with how you processed the situation. And yes Joe is a keeper. Hang in there, girl.

Irene- Oh, hunny. . That just sucks. I'm sorry. I'm glad your friend had the compassion to tell you privately before announcing it in front of everyone. I don't have to kick her a** now. Ugg, but still-so hard. And again, not fair.

Mary- was there ever a question in your mind about him not spending the $50 cash? Men. Seriously. The think it is monopoly money. Glad you are thinking positively again.......how do you do that? I forgot.

Hi Everyone else! I love you all!

I am one big raw nerve ending today. CD1. Again. *sigh*. Cramps were kickin my butt this am. I walked into the bedroom as DH was waking up and whined "I don't feel good". And he says "I see you are wearing underwear (due to AF, normally we are naked people) I guess that means for sure you're not PG?" I just burst into tears. I'm such a moron, even the temp drop doesn't cushion the blow. I'm proud of DH for being observant and sensitive, though. But do they have to be so darned optimistic? He tells me "oh, it's nothing to cry about, we'll just try again" I know he means well, but JEEZE!

Bec- Well said.

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Rebecca - you are so right and I know that she was trying to be sensitive - I could hear in her voice how hard it was to tell me. She did say she would understand if I couldn't come on Friday too. From everyone else's stories I do know how rare it is that both my BFFs are so considerate of my feelings especially since they obviously don't have fertility problems themselves... or at least as considerate as they can be... its just one of those things that like you said there's nothing that really makes it easier to handle although hopefully I can avoid bawling in public now.

Claire - thank you and sorry about AF. DH said something similarly optimistic and in my eyes stupid last night when I basically voiced something that we've steered clear of up til now - what if it never happens???? He didn't even want to admit it was a possibility and just asked me why I was being so negative - hello?!?! 14 cycles of trying and only 1 chemical to show for it!!!!!

Mary - no problem on the pills - I'm not sure if you can do it without VIP but if you look at my chart I set it up so I check off the pills I take each day (thanks to Mel for that tip) - it really helps me remember. I'm glad you're thinking positively again - its usually easier after the PMS moodiness ends. Sorry about DH spending all that money - it stinks when they do stuff like that. My DH signed up for this fishing tournament next weekend and he tried to hide from me how much it cost - $500 a boat!!! He's splitting it with a friend but still thats alot of money - it would be nice if he won it but I'm not holding my breath. I'm sure it will just turn into a drunken mess - and of course its right around fertile patch so I told him he'd better be able to BD, hangover or no!

Bina - thanks. I know you understand the little reminders that hit hard. I'm glad that your spotting has disappeared

Christie - thanks to you too. It means so much to be able to come on here and get such unconditional support.

Jen - what you're going through makes my little pity party seem ridiculous... I really hope you get answers from the peri. I can completely understand the no tears - its probably more like shock than anything since you were so hopeful this time. Deal with it however is best for you - don't be afraid to lean on J during this time of need... it sounds like he will be there for you.

Mel - WTF to the spotting... ditto to Claire/Bina I hope the RE figures it out because its not nothing!

Brandy - oh no not Iraq I'm sorry to hear that and especially sorry for the no BD since May

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Jen, I'm really so very sorry. I know exactly the feelings that you are going through right now. I've been, and still am, just where you are emotionally. All I can offer are empathetic condolences and a great big cyberhug.

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