ROFLMAO! Moi? Talking to myself? $hit, I don't even know anymore. Maybe what I need permission for most of all is to NOT have to come up with the answers for a while... *MY MIND IS BLOWN*

I'm feeling kinda isolated. And crazy. Or perhaps more sane than in a really long time. I'm really looking into this Generalized Anxiety Disorder thing...it makes spectacular amounts of sense, but at the same time, it throws everything you *thought* you knew before into chaos. It's like having read a book, except at the end you find out all the characters names had been rearranged, and now you have to clear out your mind, go back and read the thing all over again to see what the story really was. Does that make any sort of ridiculous sense?

I'm also wondering if my proceeding through the final grief stages over the past few months has had something to do with this anxiety disorder really surfacing in full force. My grief was always such an easy, reliable, safe-yet-pain-filled place to put anything that resembled anger or sadness or confusion, etc. And then when I started to deal with it all *for real* where did all this anxiety have to go?

Yesterday was a big realization for me. When I started to have an anxiety reaction during putting away the jewelry, I realized, like a bolt of lightening, that THAT feeling (nervous stomach, BP elevated, cold hands, nauseated, etc) is what I've been calling 'angry' for the past handful of years. I would have the feeling, and then identify it as anger, and attach it to the most recent thing that wasn't exactly how I'd like it to be, and let that be the thing that I figured I was angry about. Anyway, I don't think I'm explaining it veyr well, but I'm trying.

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