Thanks guys. One day when I have the strength, I'll tell you all everything.

I just sit there in the evenings and stare and feel like I'm barely breathing, not feeling.

Em, regarding the insurance, I called my insurance company Saturday night (when I got home to the empty house, but he had the "kindness" to call and let me know it would be when I was on my way there ), and in Texas, you actually can't remove your spouse, even if the policy is in your name, without their consent until after a divorce. EXCEPT for one loophole...something I didn't know about until I said it. In the matter of permanent separation without the intent to reconcile and without the intent of divorce, you CAN remove your spouse from your insurance policy (he's just ON mine). The agent I was talking to who specializes in this department couldn't tell me that, but when I said it to him that way, he snapped right to it and said well, that's what I needed to know, now we've got some options.

Anyway, I'll trudge along without any legal BS. I know I'd also have religious permission at this point to pursue a divorce. It's never really been so much that, but more my own beliefs, religious, mixed with moral, mixed with stubborn, mixed with whatever else, I guess 'true believer in people' syndrome. I won't though. He's going to do whatever he wants regardless, and I'll see him in Hell before I ever give him or his little slut or any of the kids the satisfaction (they've all helped with this destruction, ungreatful, self-centered, bastards that they are). What do I care after all? It's not like by divorcing, I'd forget or heal. Not going to happen. Doesn't even compute. Apparently never mattered, so why deal with it? If he wants to run around like some teenager, he can do it with the knowledge that he has a wife somewhere who busted her a$$ and deserved the world. And that can be his punishment.

I'll never get married again anyway. Never. Mark my words. N-E-V-E-R. I was one of those people who would have had my eyes poked out before I believed he could EVER do anything like this to me. I'll never trust anyone like that again. Ever.

I'll set myself up however it's going to be, and get my own stupid health insurance and use donor sperm. At least I'll be good enough for them.

But I can't deal with all that now. I'm still sitting on the couch staring at the windows trying to figure out it I can really do it all and go.

__________________