I've had times of dealing with some of these thoughts in the past 6-8 months (DS), albeit for different reasons. My own first reaction when I first thought the thought for myself last year was one of almost disgust. Granted, I'm such a mess emotionally, and the proud owner of an oatmeal-mush-brain at this point, but everytime someone tells me about how 'young' I am and how I could move on, etc (oh, yeah, like that's just the main goal and so easy and desirable at this point), but this thought has circled around multiple times. At this point, I don't know what's going to happen in my life, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to trust (uh, nothing?), and what I am/would be willing to accept or how much groveling it would require from my not-so-D-H, for life to somehow, someway get back on track. BUT, I had the first moment of what felt like clarity about it a few days ago. And I thought, screw it, if I don't feel like things are in a progressive pattern, if I don't feel more hope by such-and-such date, I'm going to do IUIs w/DS. NOW, that brings up another thought for me. My preference at this point, trying to think through the emotions of the future in that situation, would be for HIM to be the donor. But there's no telling if we got that far that he'd be willing. He is my H. And the only one I ever intend to have. At least there would be something pure and wonderful to have come out of it, not matter how he/she/they arrived. A lot of thoughts about the blending of the genetics, dreams like that, the DNA, even without the whole 'family'. But he might not be willing, then that's a whole other train to get on, the real DS thing. I haven't thought about it too much; not there yet in my head or heart. I did have a few minutes of clear-headedness the other night; many, many kids end up in single parent households anyway, and my Disney 'happily-ever-after' is already broken. No matter what. But if there's anyone in the world prepared and capable of being a fantastic single mother, it's me. And it's just not a dream, or a RIGHT really, to participate in the circle of life, that I am willing to give up. I may have to give up happily-ever-after with a mommy-daddy-and-kids family, but I still have a right to a family of my own. And if he's not part of it, I can't control that. Don't even know if I want it at this point (okay, I know deep in my heart of hearts, I do, though I don't know HOW in GODS NAME we could recover at this point, but I'm a fight-to-the-death kinda girl, and I've never known perfect happiness, so why start now?).

Anyway, I don't have any realy clarity about any of it, but it's in my head. And may very well be my reality before too long. I decided that Januray 1st next year, if things haven't done some serious recovering, this IUI train leaves the station. One way or the other.

__________________